I drink alone…

by frogpondsrock on July 1, 2009

in addiction,David,Family

When I drank, I drank a lot. I always maintained that I was a beeraholic not an alcoholic because there was wine in the cupboard and half a bottle of vodka on the shelf and surely if I was an alcoholic I would drink those as well.Wouldn’t I?

I wouldn’t have a beer until I was sure that I didn’t have to drive any where. I never drank and drive. Not because of any respect for the law but because I was crap at drink driving. The one time I drove drunk, I crashed the car. You really need lots of practice to be a good drunk driver and I am not that dedicated.

My blog personality is how I am in real life. I am funny and sweet, I am generous to a fault and I really am quite a nice person. I am well read and I can discuss anything from the breeding habits of snails to the reasons behind the sub-prime mortgage fiasco.I am impatient and demanding. My way is the best way(naturally.) I am opinionated and very loud. I am a control freak who doesn’t know how to delegate. I say outrageous things just for fun. Politically I am so far to the left that it is a wonder I dont walk with a tilt. I dont suffer fools and I will tell you, if you give me the shits.

I used to gather up strangers(mostly tourists) and bring them home for a meal but Jeffrey made me stop doing that. I pick up interesting looking hitch-hikers and sometimes I drive further than I intended because I am enjoying the conversation.Children and animals love me and I am a natural born storyteller.I could sell ice to eskimoes.I like to talk and sometimes I forget to listen. I am an Aquarian fire horse and when I am angry I stamp my foot and my nostrils flare, I fire up and explode. Then I am done and my anger is forgotten and I expect every one else to forgive and forget as quickly as I do.

Alcohol magnified all those traits by 100 and you either loved me or hated me. There was no middle ground. As a result I have some very very good friends and lots of aquaintances that think I am an arsehole.

I stopped drinking in April 2008. Anzac day is always a very emotional day for me and I would generally get rotten. I had been drinking beer all day and had topped up with nips of neat whiskey. That night I was a belligerent drunk and I had a nasty fight with my son. David walked down to his Nan’s at 1 am with me screaming at him to get back home and dont you walk away from me etc etc.

I woke up the next morning knowing something BAD had happened and then I started to remember bits and pieces of what had happened. Oh Shit.

I put off ringing Mum for as long as I could because I knew she would be furious with me. When I finally was brave enough to pick up the phone she didn’t disappoint one little bit. Furious wasn’t the word. Mums anger was icy and terrible.

David came home later on that day and I apologised to him and we held each other close.

I didn’t make a conscious decision that day not to drink again, it just sort of happened. One day turned into two, turned into a week turned into a month. When people would ask me why I had stopped drinking, I would make some flippant reply because I was ashamed of the real reason I stopped. I had done something that I swore I would never do, I had become my father.I had hurt my son. Luckily the damage wasn’t irrepairable but his wounds were deep.

I avoided my Mother because I was ashamed.  I reluctantly visited her on Mothers day and we didn’t speak about Anzac day but it was there, the elephant in the room.

Six weeks later Mum was diagnosed with cancer and there is nothing like a life threatening illness to make you sort out your priorities. The elephant vanished with a pop and we embarked upon the next stage of our relationship.

I dont know how many times I said to Veronica. “I am so pleased that I am not drinking” and her reply was always, “We are so pleased you are not drinking as well.”

to be continued…

{ 19 comments }

Tanya July 1, 2009 at 8:36 am

This was a lovely story to read this morning.

I tried to write a really good, witty comment but after about 5 tries I just gave up. I wanted to say well done for doing the right thing, and that family always stick together in the worst times and forget each others faults or mistakes, and that your mum would have forgiven you…

…but I didn’t really know how to word it without sounding like a knob. It is a good memory of how your parents and your children can influence your life and your actions.

Tanyas last blog post..1 month old

Mrs. C July 1, 2009 at 12:07 pm

We all have “ANZAC Days” of our own. The honesty of this post is what strikes me the most. No excuses, but no snivelling woe-is-me, either.

I’m imagining you made it through and halfway need to remind yourself not to pick up that bottle today. ((hug))

Mrs. Cs last blog post..Seven Feet Tall.

Veronica July 1, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Yes. I am so thankful you aren’t drinking.

Veronicas last blog post..Happy Birthdays and Goodbyes

Kathleen July 1, 2009 at 2:29 pm

mm didn’t i read that you found your husband on the side of the road? Maybe that is why he doesn’t want you picking up anymore…competition

I notice you did not say what he thought of this….that is what i admire about you and your blog…you are as you say the same here as IRL and in real life we do not tell all…we hold some back for the different people we are dealing with.

AS I have said before I admire you so much…especially for your honesty. When you said you did not want to do to your children what was done to you…i was the same with smacking…i grew up in fear and never knowing why i was smacked so much…our son grew up with mutual respect and it is evident in his confidence and his compassion…or so i believe. It is a conscious choice and am glad it was not too hard for you to stop drinking.

I hope that you found strength to get through yesterday …was thinking of you at 3pm…and through the day.

Kathleens last blog post..Thoughts on Iran

Sharon July 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm

And I suspect that yesterday it would have been so easy to pick up a beer and drown in it. I’m glad you didn’t.

frogpondsrock July 1, 2009 at 3:56 pm

@ Sharon.. Not really I haven’t felt like a drink since I stopped drinking. Though my best friend turns 40 this year and I am thinking of making a wicked tiramisu and getting tipsy on cake lol…

river July 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I’m also glad you stopped drinking. The reason doesn’t matter. The stopping is the thing.

Bendy Girl July 1, 2009 at 7:49 pm

What a brave post, and brave decision. Congratulations on continuing not drinking. Love BG x

Jientje July 1, 2009 at 9:18 pm

I love you just the way you are Kim.

I wanted to catch up on my reading after two weeks of holliday in France, and to my horror discovered what had happened while I was away. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom Kim. It must feel terrible, I don’t think I can begin to imagine what it has been like. It all happened very fast, and maybe it’s better that way. For Mom. She was strong and courageous through all this, but nobody wants to suffer long. The picture you posted is wonderful, I’m sure that’s how you want to remember her. Smiling.

Hang in there Kim. A big big hug from me, at the opposite side of the globe. I wish I could hold you, but I’m sure you can feel me. Hugs xxx

Jientjes last blog post..A Thousand Words in Idioms, O and P

lceel July 1, 2009 at 10:44 pm

I used to drink a bit. I was one of those people who drank rarely, but once started, wouldn’t quit until it was ‘pass out’ time. I discovered, somewhere along the way, that getting drunk was way less fun than doing all the things I love to do. These days I’ll sip an expensive rum, or have a beer with a meal – but like you, I seem to have grown an understanding – in my case, that one or two is enough. Well done, you. So very well done – and well said.

lceels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Tintagel Cove

Xbox4NappyRash July 2, 2009 at 5:38 am

I remember your Anzac day post last year very clearly.

This is a remarkable post for many reasons.

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Give us a wave

frogpondsrock July 2, 2009 at 6:16 am

Thanks Lou,I understand that type of drinking very well.. I was very controlled with my drinking. I didn’t like to stop drinking once I had started. So if there was less than a slab of beer(24 cans) in the fridge I wouldn’t even bother.
I dont miss it at all.
I realize now that by trying to drown my demons I was just encouraging them to stay around for a bit longer..

Ree July 2, 2009 at 10:56 am

Beautifully written Kim. Sometimes it takes the proverbial straw to open our eyes.

XXOO

Rees last blog post..Seven Deadly Memes Sins

Barbara July 2, 2009 at 5:06 pm

It’s hard to see that trying to drown your demons is a good way of getting them to hang around. Well done for recognising that.

Barbaras last blog post..Pretty

Taz July 3, 2009 at 8:15 am

big hugs

thinking of you

way to go on the no drinking..

Your son in law July 4, 2009 at 10:31 pm

Von just showed me this post, and u know what?
(no nathan I don’t grrr)
Oh sorry. (plz don’t use this against me plz).
You have never backed down from anything, always been their for my family, cared for everything.
You done the greatest job in the last couple of weeks and don’t let anyone tell you different!.
Love Von Nat Amy Isaac

WarsawMommy January 27, 2010 at 6:40 pm

Oh, how well I can relate! I was a wine junkie, but I stopped drinking on November 27th 2004. Right before Christmas, New Year’s and my birthday. My life had become uncontrollable, the drinking was taking over and I finally understood that if I didn’t stop, I’d lose everything I cared about.

Fast-forward just over 5 years now without a drink: I am married, I have two beautiful boys, I have my own business, we own a flat. NONE of this would have happened if I were still doing what I was doing… it takes guts, but more than that, it takes a genuine desire to live better, to know that you can be better, and to believe that you truly deserve better.

maggie, dammit February 2, 2010 at 5:17 am

Thank you for this, and congratulations on your sobriety!

Al_Pal February 10, 2010 at 6:41 am

Came here from Maggie’s post. Congratulations on living a better life.

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