A time to write…

by frogpondsrock on February 16, 2012

in cancer,David,Ehlers Danlos Syndrome

And there is a time to faff about but if you faff about for too long you lose your writing time

Or I do at least.

I write my blog posts in the early morning. Each morning I get up and make a pot of coffee and I sit down at the computer. I check my emails and then I think about writing a blog post.

The critical piece of timing here internet, is the point between thinking about writing a blog post and opening facebook.

If I open facebook, I lose time, anything from 20 minutes to an hour can vanish in the click of a mouse.

I check my son’s status, then my daughters, then I check on you. I smile at the humorous pictures I see and I share stuff that interests me or that I think my friends will enjoy. click faff click faff. tick tock tick tock tick tick TICK TOCK.

Then twitter beckons and I have another choice, click over to my twitter account or log onto the blog.

I use twitter as a news service and If I click through to my account all chances of writing a blog post have flown out the window. I  become distracted and then overloaded mentally by all the goings on in the world. The occupy protests, Syria, feminist issues, causes, humour and stupidity all combine to steal at least another hour.

And look it is 8.20 am and I haven’t written a thing.

The clock is still ticking away, half the day has vanished already, I should be in the studio, eeek.

But I am procrastinating and maybe I should just make a music cd to work to. Something loud and rocky, good cleaning music.

Because the studio is chaotically messy from this months frantic making and I need to give it a good clean before I can glaze the work.

The Fired Up exhibition opens on the 4th of March. The work is half done.

The bisque firing was successful and the work just need to be glazed.

Glazing involves making five or ten litre buckets of glaze, mixing and straining and sieving and pouring.

All very physical work but I can’t concentrate today.

I am procrastinating.

I am procrastinating by writing this post.

I have managed to avoid twitter and facebook this morning apart from a quick check on the kids.

My son goes back to school today. He dropped out of school last year and spent the year sleeping.

His facebook status worries me  All-nighter then rosny tomorrow. Yiew. Pumped to get back into guitaring.

I need to remind myself  that I cant live his life,that I cant make him, that I cant make him be happy.

I cant fix him. My son is broken and I can’t fix him. I can just pass him the glue and hope.

I rang him at 7.08 am this morning and he answered the phone with, “Yes I am awake Mother”.

I wasn’t going to ring but I am too keyed up to let today slip by without making contact. David is an independent student, who does not live at home and he needs to find his own way without me nagging him out of bed and forcing him to go to school.

I am a bundle of nerves, of angsty, worrying nerves. I hope against all hope that David has a good first day at school, I hope his day today will be brilliant and that he will go to school again tomorrow, happily.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

I have had this feeling every first day of every school year of his life. Hoping like mad that he has a great day, knowing that his first day’s experience  will define the year. It seems that I have spent every first day worrying. The difference now is that we know about the Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. We know why David can’t sleep. Why he hurts, why the nausea lasts all day and why the anxiety gnaws at him.

And here I am again pointlessly exercising my mad skills with my 20/20 hindsight. If only I hadn’t sent him to Blah de Blah  high. If only I hadn’t made him stay at the primary school he hated, If only we didn’t live so far away. If only things were easier.

If only mum hadn’t died.

It is hard, internet.

And all I can do, is the best I can do.

I just muddle along, taking each day as it comes and making decisions based on the information I have at hand at the time.

And if wishes were horses I would own a circus.