And so I just keep on bumbling along

by frogpondsrock on September 23, 2012

in Evelyn

I went to the hairdresser yesterday and had the first proper haircut I have had in over twenty years, I will publish a photo when I get near a camera. I had won the voucher in a charity auction and thought I had better smarten myself up a bit before I head off to Adelaide for the Ceramics Triennale.

It was quite bizarre sitting in a salon having my hair cut, trying to give an idea of myself to an unknown hairdresser, a professional small talker. I was trapped under the cape unable to wave my arms about, and so having lost any sense of  the theatrical, my words became small, as I felt small in that chair. Though the mirror told me that I was not small at all. Oh no that mirror shouted at me that I was old and fat and ugly. So I shunned the mirror and looked past the surface reflection of myself and studied the hairdresser instead. For all my scrutiny, I doubt that I would recognise him again.

The true test of a haircut is the next day and mine has passed with flying colours. I looked into my nicer mannered mirror this morning and all my hair needed was a quick rub with my fingers and I was ready to face the day. That is all I ask of my hair, that is does not bother me.

After my trip to the Salon I went to the supermarket and wandered the aisles aimlessly looking for something.

I remember when my non smoking Mother was first diagnosed with Lung cancer, I bumped into her unexpectedly at the supermarket one day, and arm in arm we wandered the aisles aimlessly together, both of us looking for something. We laughed at each others indecision, as I inherited my decisiveness from her and we both cried small tears in those aisles surrounded by all the things that neither of us needed.

I am so incredibly stressed and the fear is nibbling away at my soul. I worry about my baby as she worries about her baby and all the emotions that I felt as my Mother was dying come thundering back to bother me.

Your comments and support are keeping me sane.

Your prayers for Evelyn soothe me.

Small things are keeping me sane and as much as my distractability annoys the ones that love me, it is saving me.

You my dear internets are saving me also.

Evelyn was eight weeks old yesterday.

{ 19 comments }

sleepydwarf September 23, 2012 at 8:57 am

Hugs Kim. Thinking of you all. xxx

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 9:00 am

Thank you lovely x

Lucy September 23, 2012 at 8:57 am

Lets have a cup of tea and a giggle when you are back from Adelaide xxxxxxx

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 8:59 am

Yes, lets. I will bring the Tea and you can supply the teapot :)

Elephant's Child September 23, 2012 at 9:52 am

Huge hugs and so many good wishes for you all. And I insist on a wash and wear hair style as well.

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

When my hair was long I could just plait it and get it out of the way. And of course “FLING” my plait around for dramatic emphasis But it was always a bit of a nuisance. Now I am Free. And thank you for the love. I can feel it.

Pixie September 23, 2012 at 10:34 am

I’m thinking of you all each and every day

Xxxxxx

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Thank you :)

Fe September 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

I wish I could do more than send love. I am sending TONNES of that. To you and V. All the time.

At least I can hug you for real in THREE DAYS! Hopefully I can distract you for a tiny while xoxo

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I am so looking forward to seeing you :)

tiff September 23, 2012 at 11:36 am

Sending love because I really have no words of wisdom.
I don’t love hair cuts either. It’s the mirrors.

frogpondsrock September 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Your love is plenty Tiff, because as sad as it is, I know that you know how we feel and Vice Versa.
And some mirrors are much ruder than others. I just wish they would keep their reflections to themselves.

Clay Affair September 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I’m the worst person to give advise but I can give love.

roseg September 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm

i think of you all constantly. i think that the image of jesus on the cross was created to help people tolerate their own suffering. (and no i haven’t become a bible basher – i am just interested in the metaphors and images that religions use to frame their philosophies – created by people trying to make sense of the world). i think sometimes the images are beautiful and make total sense.

i think of you and veronica and your families, out on the cross again, feeling exposed and still and shaken to the core. feels like you’ve been hanging there for months. i can’t believe it’s only a few weeks.

i am so glad that our continued breath-holding and sighing and occasional tears bring you some small comfort. from here it’s utterly terrifying watching this play out. some days i literally hold my breath as i read the latest update. other days i cry. it’s so intense, so bewildering. words fail me.

i wonder about the men too, and the other children. how are they coping? all of you. i worry for all of you.

sending you hugs constantly, rose

river September 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

A haircut? I’ve just decided to let mine grow back into its ponytail. Keeping it neat to suit the upgraded image of the new work shirts. (It was getting a bit wild, all those curls roaming free).
I’m hoping that Thursday brings good news for Veronica and Evelyn, or at least some answers and a new plan.
I’m looking forward to seeing you, you’ll have to let me know exactly where the suitcase sale will be held, I don’t want to miss it.

Gerald Englebretsen September 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

You guys have copped such a lot to deal with and I hope that in the long run this complex start smooths out to something much more ordered and normal.

Thinking of you and adding my support too.

Gerald

Sadhana September 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

((((hugs)))) haircut is a great idea!
I am going to put red in as a temp…..need it at the moment xxxx

edenland September 24, 2012 at 9:16 am

Kim you are the most exquisite writer. Now I know where Veronica gets it from. Your post made me well up, just from your heartfelt observations. (We always write well when we’re in pain. I don’t know why that is.)

I’m thinking of you a lot. So much. It has to count for something .. have lit candles and sent a lot of love down your way. A lot.

XXX

Achelois September 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

OMG you and I experience exactly the same emotions at the hairdressers. Whoever thought an enormous mirror was good in salons was plain wrong. Just wrong. I have fine hair, and these days the grey just creeps in quicker and quicker. I do dye it but never like the results, I was naturally dark haired but dying hair dark dark brown late forties can make me look just older and more wrinkly lol. I refuse to spend money I don’t have on expensive, cutting and colouring (perhaps I should) but it just not me to be that way. So I hate going to the hairdressers more than the dentist which is saying something indeed. But the time is overdue as my wispy half straight half wavy often frizzy hair needs some style, unfortunately the style I want is not the same as the hairdressers opinion of suitable for my hair and so that story has gone my whole life……… So if you have gone, I must go too. You have helped me to nearly make up my mind to make an appointment. Thank you.

Happy Eight Week Birthday Sweet Eve. You are beautiful. I have left a comment over at Veronica’s so will not leave a repeat here… suffice to say that my thoughts are with you Kim so so much of the time I hope I help to carry your emotional burden even just a little. I understand your distraction/displacement activity, remaining sane when one is so very worried and helpless to control the situation is very very understandable.
I understand your descriptive memory of your mother so well in the supermarket. I have thoughts like these of my grandmother whom I miss so much, we are very very alike in personality she and I. Subtle traits sometimes when sometimes I feel I gel into her despite the fact that physically she is no longer with me. In spirit she is alive to me.
Please post photo’s of your trip. They help me to feel as though I get to see the world.
Take Kim my invisible hand holding yours through this time …. xx

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