Here Internet, Take my fear. I Do Not Want It.

by frogpondsrock on September 18, 2012

in Grief,headfuck

On Saturday, the day of the pirate socks and blueberries, my daughter Veronica told me that she didn’t think her daughter Evelyn, could see anymore.

Only the day before, I had held baby Evelyn in my arms as she had a series of small seizures. It is not an experience I would recommend. I put the lack of response from Evelyn to visual clues, down to the fact that she was exhausted  from all her seizures. With the power of my awesome hindsight, I now know that my smallest grand child could not see me.

Here is my heart, watch as my heart shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, watch as the shards of my heart turn to ice and settle in the pit of my stomach.

Feel my fear internet.

I have not felt this stressed since Mum was dying. In fact I think I am quite possibly more stressed. Who knew that was possible? Certainly not me. What wins here? The pain of watching your mother die, or the pain of holding a desperately ill child in your arms?

I don’t think there are any winners here today.

Today I am going to surrender to my despair and wallow in its inky blackness. If I have learned anything from my grief, I have learned not to try and ignore the sadness on the days that are unbearably sad. And in this minute in time I despair, oh how I despair, and I give my despair to you dear internet, so that I don’t have to be alone.

When my non-smoking Mother was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer I had an overwhelming urge to paint. I wanted to paint a giant blue painting, with sweeps of light and shade, all blue and white. I did not have the means to paint anything in 2008 and we three, Mum, Veronica and I became consumed by our journey.

The need to paint has returned and this time as I watch my family be consumed by the processes of the hospital, I have the means to paint.I have two blank canvases, I have acrylic paint and I have the space to paint my paintings in the studio that I built from the ashes of my Mother’s life.

Here is my despair, here is my fear, I give this blackness of spirit to you because I do not want it.

I do not want it at all.