On Saturday, the day of the pirate socks and blueberries, my daughter Veronica told me that she didn’t think her daughter Evelyn, could see anymore.
Only the day before, I had held baby Evelyn in my arms as she had a series of small seizures. It is not an experience I would recommend. I put the lack of response from Evelyn to visual clues, down to the fact that she was exhausted from all her seizures. With the power of my awesome hindsight, I now know that my smallest grand child could not see me.
Here is my heart, watch as my heart shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, watch as the shards of my heart turn to ice and settle in the pit of my stomach.
Feel my fear internet.
I have not felt this stressed since Mum was dying. In fact I think I am quite possibly more stressed. Who knew that was possible? Certainly not me. What wins here? The pain of watching your mother die, or the pain of holding a desperately ill child in your arms?
I don’t think there are any winners here today.
Today I am going to surrender to my despair and wallow in its inky blackness. If I have learned anything from my grief, I have learned not to try and ignore the sadness on the days that are unbearably sad. And in this minute in time I despair, oh how I despair, and I give my despair to you dear internet, so that I don’t have to be alone.
When my non-smoking Mother was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer I had an overwhelming urge to paint. I wanted to paint a giant blue painting, with sweeps of light and shade, all blue and white. I did not have the means to paint anything in 2008 and we three, Mum, Veronica and I became consumed by our journey.
The need to paint has returned and this time as I watch my family be consumed by the processes of the hospital, I have the means to paint.I have two blank canvases, I have acrylic paint and I have the space to paint my paintings in the studio that I built from the ashes of my Mother’s life.
Here is my despair, here is my fear, I give this blackness of spirit to you because I do not want it.
I do not want it at all.
{ 28 comments }
Just love and all that goes with it my friend. xxXOoo
carmen recently posted..Kid-isms and the new car
Thank you Carmen
I can’t imagine your fear or Veronica’s . I hope painting gives you some solace while waiting for answers and HOPING for positive ones. Thinking of you all.
Trish recently posted..Ben 10 Live Time Machine + { Giveaway }
Thanks Trish, the fact that I can paint if I want to is keeping my mind distracted.
I have been watching your quiet fear, yours and V’s from afar. My heart aches for you. I don’t know if that ache takes any of yours away. I wish it would. I hope for swift answers. I hope for good news.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Dorothy @ Singular Insanity recently posted..Venom
It helps Dorothy it helps
xx darling. thinking of all of you.
Lucy recently posted..berries & berlin
Thank you Lucy
sending love. It’s all I’ve got to give, right now but it’s yours.
tiff recently posted..Excisions (decisions) and recovery.
Hey Tiff, gratefully accepted my friend, gratefully accepted.
I just don’t understand it! I am so bewildered and I know you are too… I know the doctors and nurses are working very hard to help Evie. I know they are talking with super-specialists in Melbourne and all that CAN be done for her, will be.
I know I am not the only one checking the internet and praying and I wish it were enough to make a difference.
Happy Elf Mom recently posted..Happy Weekend!
Your prayers soothe me Christine. The fact that there are a whole range of people from all walks of life praying for Evelyn gives me great comfort. Thank you xx
Much love and light my friend
Xxxxxxxxx
Pixie recently posted..Selfish.
and the same back to you, with some stabby shards for that asshat GP of yours.
we are feeling the same here kim we are keeping evelyn in our thoughts and prayers and veronica and nathan issac and amy lets hope we get answer soon.
chin up chook – miracles DO happen – and there are so many of us praying for this one…
I’ve been following the news closely, feeling your pain, but having nothing worthwhile to add. Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive thoughts your way. xxxx
My heart is breaking for you. It’s actually aching. The pain you must be feeling. I wish we could do something to help. Feel everyone’s love and that will help in the darkness. You are not alone. Strangers are loving you, V and your darling grand daughter. A-M xx
A-M recently posted..Win A $500 Masters Home Improvement Voucher For A Spring Room Makeover
Oh no! no no no.
Maybe this is temporary?
Because of the seizures?
The painting looks like ferocious flames, surging forth to eat up anything in their path.
river recently posted..out with the old, in with the new
Sending love to you all, and holding your hands across the world. I hurt for you all Xx
BendyGirl recently posted..Disability News Round Up By John Pring – Week Ending 14/09/2012
I cannot find the words. I don’t think that there are any. Sending so much love to you all.
I feel your fear Kim and I’m sending you the most positive vibes I can muster across those dark and shitty seas x
Carli recently posted..Domestic Revival
The whole thing just sucks. I’m sure we can all carry our share of your fear for you:)
Sharon @ Funken Wagnel recently posted..Home Baked Bread
The hardest task sometimes is to be the Grandmother of an ill grandchild. Sending you lots of love and healing light, and praying hard for Evelyn (and V, N, A and I). Huge hugs, I’m sorry I don’t have more to offer. xxx
Kakka recently posted..Making Lemonade
XXX What more can I offer other than a piece of my heart and soul? XXX
Watershedd recently posted..A tale from the base of Olympus – Part Nine
I don’t have words but I’m thinking of you all every day.
Lots of hugs xxx
Here, quietly reading and following your story, yours and Veronica’s and Evelyn’s. Not able to do much but care. Send your grief my way, I will shred it for you. XO
thank you Elaine, thank you
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