On Saturday, the day of the pirate socks and blueberries, my daughter Veronica told me that she didn’t think her daughter Evelyn, could see anymore.
Only the day before, I had held baby Evelyn in my arms as she had a series of small seizures. It is not an experience I would recommend. I put the lack of response from Evelyn to visual clues, down to the fact that she was exhausted from all her seizures. With the power of my awesome hindsight, I now know that my smallest grand child could not see me.
Here is my heart, watch as my heart shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, watch as the shards of my heart turn to ice and settle in the pit of my stomach.
Feel my fear internet.
I have not felt this stressed since Mum was dying. In fact I think I am quite possibly more stressed. Who knew that was possible? Certainly not me. What wins here? The pain of watching your mother die, or the pain of holding a desperately ill child in your arms?
I don’t think there are any winners here today.
Today I am going to surrender to my despair and wallow in its inky blackness. If I have learned anything from my grief, I have learned not to try and ignore the sadness on the days that are unbearably sad. And in this minute in time I despair, oh how I despair, and I give my despair to you dear internet, so that I don’t have to be alone.
When my non-smoking Mother was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer I had an overwhelming urge to paint. I wanted to paint a giant blue painting, with sweeps of light and shade, all blue and white. I did not have the means to paint anything in 2008 and we three, Mum, Veronica and I became consumed by our journey.
The need to paint has returned and this time as I watch my family be consumed by the processes of the hospital, I have the means to paint.I have two blank canvases, I have acrylic paint and I have the space to paint my paintings in the studio that I built from the ashes of my Mother’s life.
Here is my despair, here is my fear, I give this blackness of spirit to you because I do not want it.
I do not want it at all.