Here Internet, Take my fear. I Do Not Want It.

by frogpondsrock on September 18, 2012

in Evelyn,Family,Grief,headfuck,Sadness

On Saturday, the day of the pirate socks and blueberries, my daughter Veronica told me that she didn’t think her daughter Evelyn, could see anymore.

Only the day before, I had held baby Evelyn in my arms as she had a series of small seizures. It is not an experience I would recommend. I put the lack of response from Evelyn to visual clues, down to the fact that she was exhausted  from all her seizures. With the power of my awesome hindsight, I now know that my smallest grand child could not see me.

Here is my heart, watch as my heart shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, watch as the shards of my heart turn to ice and settle in the pit of my stomach.

Feel my fear internet.

I have not felt this stressed since Mum was dying. In fact I think I am quite possibly more stressed. Who knew that was possible? Certainly not me. What wins here? The pain of watching your mother die, or the pain of holding a desperately ill child in your arms?

I don’t think there are any winners here today.

Today I am going to surrender to my despair and wallow in its inky blackness. If I have learned anything from my grief, I have learned not to try and ignore the sadness on the days that are unbearably sad. And in this minute in time I despair, oh how I despair, and I give my despair to you dear internet, so that I don’t have to be alone.

When my non-smoking Mother was first diagnosed with Lung Cancer I had an overwhelming urge to paint. I wanted to paint a giant blue painting, with sweeps of light and shade, all blue and white. I did not have the means to paint anything in 2008 and we three, Mum, Veronica and I became consumed by our journey.

The need to paint has returned and this time as I watch my family be consumed by the processes of the hospital, I have the means to paint.I have two blank canvases, I have acrylic paint and I have the space to paint my paintings in the studio that I built from the ashes of my Mother’s life.

Here is my despair, here is my fear, I give this blackness of spirit to you because I do not want it.

I do not want it at all.

{ 28 comments }

carmen September 18, 2012 at 9:17 am

Just love and all that goes with it my friend. xxXOoo

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:33 am

Thank you Carmen

Trish September 18, 2012 at 9:19 am

I can’t imagine your fear or Veronica’s . I hope painting gives you some solace while waiting for answers and HOPING for positive ones. Thinking of you all.

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:34 am

Thanks Trish, the fact that I can paint if I want to is keeping my mind distracted.

Dorothy @ Singular Insanity September 18, 2012 at 9:36 am

I have been watching your quiet fear, yours and V’s from afar. My heart aches for you. I don’t know if that ache takes any of yours away. I wish it would. I hope for swift answers. I hope for good news.

I wish I had a magic wand.

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:36 am

It helps Dorothy it helps :)

Lucy September 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

xx darling. thinking of all of you.

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:36 am

Thank you Lucy

tiff September 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

sending love. It’s all I’ve got to give, right now but it’s yours.

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:37 am

Hey Tiff, gratefully accepted my friend, gratefully accepted.

Happy Elf Mom September 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I just don’t understand it! I am so bewildered and I know you are too… I know the doctors and nurses are working very hard to help Evie. I know they are talking with super-specialists in Melbourne and all that CAN be done for her, will be.

I know I am not the only one checking the internet and praying and I wish it were enough to make a difference.

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:39 am

Your prayers soothe me Christine. The fact that there are a whole range of people from all walks of life praying for Evelyn gives me great comfort. Thank you xx

Pixie September 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Much love and light my friend

Xxxxxxxxx

frogpondsrock September 21, 2012 at 7:40 am

and the same back to you, with some stabby shards for that asshat GP of yours.

anne September 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

we are feeling the same here kim we are keeping evelyn in our thoughts and prayers and veronica and nathan issac and amy lets hope we get answer soon.

Helena September 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm

chin up chook – miracles DO happen – and there are so many of us praying for this one…
I’ve been following the news closely, feeling your pain, but having nothing worthwhile to add. Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive thoughts your way. xxxx

A-M September 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

My heart is breaking for you. It’s actually aching. The pain you must be feeling. I wish we could do something to help. Feel everyone’s love and that will help in the darkness. You are not alone. Strangers are loving you, V and your darling grand daughter. A-M xx

river September 18, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Oh no! no no no.
Maybe this is temporary?
Because of the seizures?
The painting looks like ferocious flames, surging forth to eat up anything in their path.

BendyGirl September 18, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Sending love to you all, and holding your hands across the world. I hurt for you all Xx

Elephant's Child September 18, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I cannot find the words. I don’t think that there are any. Sending so much love to you all.

Carli September 18, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I feel your fear Kim and I’m sending you the most positive vibes I can muster across those dark and shitty seas x

Sharon @ Funken Wagnel September 18, 2012 at 9:07 pm

The whole thing just sucks. I’m sure we can all carry our share of your fear for you:)

Kakka September 18, 2012 at 11:39 pm

The hardest task sometimes is to be the Grandmother of an ill grandchild. Sending you lots of love and healing light, and praying hard for Evelyn (and V, N, A and I). Huge hugs, I’m sorry I don’t have more to offer. xxx

Watershedd September 18, 2012 at 11:46 pm

XXX What more can I offer other than a piece of my heart and soul? XXX

Tracey September 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

I don’t have words but I’m thinking of you all every day.

Tat September 19, 2012 at 9:42 am

Lots of hugs xxx

Elaine Bradley September 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Here, quietly reading and following your story, yours and Veronica’s and Evelyn’s. Not able to do much but care. Send your grief my way, I will shred it for you. XO

frogpondsrock October 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

thank you Elaine, thank you :)

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