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My grandmother is 87 today and Isaac will be one in a few days.
I successfully avoided getting together with my extended family at Christmas.Today we will all be together for the first time since Mum’s funeral. Combined with the fact that I handed the keys to Mum’s house over to the lawyers on Monday has made this past week very emotional.
Tears are never very far from the surface and my men are tiptoeing around me lest I rip their heads off.
Veronica has been busily disagreeing with a “hate blogger” which has provided me with a much needed distraction from myself. The comments section of that blog is a hoot. Accusations, sweeping assumptions,aspersions and arseholiness are the main themes.
It is all very amusing for about five minutes until you realise that it is real people they are ripping on. I am very proud of Vonnie for standing up for what she believes in and loudly saying that by our silence we are giving these stupid hate bloggers more power. Personally I believe in Karma and I cant be bothered with the small mindedness of chicken liver and her pathetic cronies but I will stand shoulder to shoulder with my daughter and say this crap shouldn’t be tolerated.
David is aghast at the ramming and subsequent sinking of the Ady Gil by the Japanese security ship the Shonnan Maru. The Japanese are killing whales in Australian territorial waters and our government is hoping that by ignoring the problem, it will just go away.
I have been very impressed by my son’s articulate and passionate response to the sinking of the Ady Gil. David would love to join the Sea Shepherd’s crew and be actively involved but the ships are vegan and my son is honest enough to admit that he isn’t quite that committed. Yet.
There is a rally to support Sea Shepherd at the Abel Tasman Memorial fountain at Salamanca at 11 am on Saturday the 16th of January.David is keen to attend his first environmental/political rally.
I am very proud of both my children for passionately standing up for what they believe in.
Thankyou for the response to my video of Harry and the pigs. Jientje and Barbara have asked me to make some more videos and so I will. What sort of things would the rest of you lovely people like to see?
I have had the camera out a bit this past week and I think that I might have enough decent shots to post a couple of photos later on this week.
Lastly I want to thank you all my dear internets. I really don’t know how I would have gotten through the last six months without your support. Thankyou.
I have this photo of Mum and Amy as my screensaver.
I look at this photo every day but I cant bring myself to really have a proper look. If I look properly at this photo and look into my Mother’s eyes I feel myself begin to get all teary. So I quickly look away or I focus on my grand daughter’s face instead.
The enormity of the hole that Mum has left in our lives is only just now starting to become apparent.
Thankfully I have stopped crying every time I think of Mum,though I am crying a little bit as I write this because trying to articulate the depth of my loss makes me examine it in more detail than I want to.
Veronica now has two horses and she reminds me so much of Mum, in that she never does things by halves. Mum was an accomplished and knowledgeable horsewoman and watching my daughter with her two horses I am confident that it wont be long before Veronica is the same.
I don’t know where I am going with this post at all. I only know that today the sky is blue and it promises to be a lovely day and for that I am thankful.
David has been formally diagnosed by the geneticist as having Classical EDS with a score of 7 on the Beighton scale. ( a non bendy person might score a 1 if they could touch the floor with the flat of their hands) I am not very flexible at all so my score would be a zero.
The cardiologist has decided that a non-interventionist approach is best for David. Yay. I am all for non intervention. We go back to see the cardiologist in late January 2010. The irregularities with Dave’s heart mean that he will have to take extra care of himself and always be aware of the “heart healthy options” which is a big call for a fifteen year old boy who, like his peers thinks that he is ten foot tall and bullet proof.
My mouth is all healed up as is my self esteem. I can wear my teeth all day now without any major discomfort. I have plonked my teeth into the same category that shoes and bras belong, annoyances that must be worn outside the home for the sake of vanity. The first thing I do when I walk in the door when I get home is kick off my shoes, take off my bra and rip out my falsies. aaah.
I have been in touch with the trustees of a local nature reserve and they were quite excited about my idea of a sculpture trail. I was so nervous before I rang them,that I had to wander around the house psyching myself up to make the call. All the angst was for nothing and I was incredibly relieved and excited by the end of the phone call. I am meeting up with the trustees early next February on site. All I need to do is submit a written proposal to the committee and once that is approved I can begin working towards a major interactive exhibition in a lovely bush setting in February 2011. YAY.
I am also excited about our upcoming exhibition Perspectives of Fire and as soon as the invitations have been printed I will publish one here and then invite you all to the show.
I am working on some different bowls at the moment and Chris Jordan’s photos of the dead albatross chicks have really touched me. I am going to make a dead albatross bowl later on today and I will publish photos of it as a work in progress early next week.
Here are some bowls I made last week. These bowls are the sort of thing that I am thinking of making for the outdoor exhibition. If you mouse over the photos you can read the descriptions of what I have done.
I am off outside now to enjoy the sunshine.
If I am honest with myself, I will admit that Ehlers Danlos Syndrome frightens the shit out of me. I try not to think too deeply about the long term prospects this disorder has for my children and my grandchildren. I am generally an optimist who doesn’t belive in worrying about things beyond my control.
But.
Some days an icy hand of fear just grips my heart and squeezes tight.
Some days the fear sits heavy inside my head pushing out all thoughts, except for the ones that tell me that I am afraid. I am afraid for my children, afraid of their choices. Afraid of the possible consequences of their choices, afraid of fear itself.
My fears which are the normal fears of a parent are magnified by the loss of my Mother and by the challenges assosciated with living with Ehlers Danlos. This post written by Achelois, gives me a glimpse into a possible future for my daughterVeronica and whilst it scares me witless, I know that Veronica is a strong young woman who will cope in her own indomitable way.
My son David had a dentist appointment yesterday. Pre-EDS, Dave would have just walked to the dentist from school, had his fillings and then gone back to class.
Post-EDS it is a whole different ball game.
David had to be assessed by a senior dentist in Hobart to see if it was safe for him to be treated at the small local dental clinic. The senior dentist needed a copy of Davids echocardiogram report and so it took nearly four months of to-ing and fro-ing before it was decided that yes, Dave could be treated at the small clinic which is attached to his school. But, he needed to have a preventative dose of antibiotics an hour before his treatment.
I don’t know exactly why David needs the antibiotics before his dental work, it is something to do with either his heart or his lungs. The Spouse took the phonecall from the dentist and didn’t ask why, he just wrote down Dave’s appointment times.Gah.
David’s Echocardiogram shows that he has mild pulmonary hypertension and the right hand side of his heart is enlarged. He is fifteen.We have an appointment with a cardioligist in September and I am trying not to think too deeply about the implications for my son until then.
But again that icy hand of fear is giving my own heart a bloody good squeeze.
As I was sitting in the waiting room of the dentists, trying to ignore the crap on the tv, I was quietly worrying about my son. I was hoping that the dentist wouldn’t accidentally dislocate David’s jaw.Possible scenarios and implications of a dislocated jaw played through my mind, all I needed was a brunette mournfully wailing for Heathcliffe and the melodramatic scene in my head would have been complete.*Sigh* I have a very vivid imagination.
David’s jaw didn’t dislocate but it became very clicky during his treatment and they want a senior dentist to have a look at it, at Dave’s next appointment.
I know that Veronica has her own fears, regarding the health of her children but at least she is spared the soul destroying doubt and disbelief, shown to me by the medical profession as I struggled to convince someone that my daughter really was ill and not faking.
Since Veronica’s formal diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome earlier this year everything has become much easier,well much easier within the medical system at least. That little piece of paper from the geneticist means that Veronica doesn’t have to fight to be taken seriously.Her children are being closely watched by the paediatric team at the hospital and there are protocols being put into place for them. YAY.
Isaac’s E.C.G showed a lovely, perfectly healthy heart. Perfect perfect perfect. That is one less thing to worry about and I can prise back one of those icy fingers.
When I drank, I drank a lot. I always maintained that I was a beeraholic not an alcoholic because there was wine in the cupboard and half a bottle of vodka on the shelf and surely if I was an alcoholic I would drink those as well.Wouldn’t I?
I wouldn’t have a beer until I was sure that I didn’t have to drive any where. I never drank and drive. Not because of any respect for the law but because I was crap at drink driving. The one time I drove drunk, I crashed the car. You really need lots of practice to be a good drunk driver and I am not that dedicated.
My blog personality is how I am in real life. I am funny and sweet, I am generous to a fault and I really am quite a nice person. I am well read and I can discuss anything from the breeding habits of snails to the reasons behind the sub-prime mortgage fiasco.I am impatient and demanding. My way is the best way(naturally.) I am opinionated and very loud. I am a control freak who doesn’t know how to delegate. I say outrageous things just for fun. Politically I am so far to the left that it is a wonder I dont walk with a tilt. I dont suffer fools and I will tell you, if you give me the shits.
I used to gather up strangers(mostly tourists) and bring them home for a meal but Jeffrey made me stop doing that. I pick up interesting looking hitch-hikers and sometimes I drive further than I intended because I am enjoying the conversation.Children and animals love me and I am a natural born storyteller.I could sell ice to eskimoes.I like to talk and sometimes I forget to listen. I am an Aquarian fire horse and when I am angry I stamp my foot and my nostrils flare, I fire up and explode. Then I am done and my anger is forgotten and I expect every one else to forgive and forget as quickly as I do.
Alcohol magnified all those traits by 100 and you either loved me or hated me. There was no middle ground. As a result I have some very very good friends and lots of aquaintances that think I am an arsehole.
I stopped drinking in April 2008. Anzac day is always a very emotional day for me and I would generally get rotten. I had been drinking beer all day and had topped up with nips of neat whiskey. That night I was a belligerent drunk and I had a nasty fight with my son. David walked down to his Nan’s at 1 am with me screaming at him to get back home and dont you walk away from me etc etc.
I woke up the next morning knowing something BAD had happened and then I started to remember bits and pieces of what had happened. Oh Shit.
I put off ringing Mum for as long as I could because I knew she would be furious with me. When I finally was brave enough to pick up the phone she didn’t disappoint one little bit. Furious wasn’t the word. Mums anger was icy and terrible.
David came home later on that day and I apologised to him and we held each other close.
I didn’t make a conscious decision that day not to drink again, it just sort of happened. One day turned into two, turned into a week turned into a month. When people would ask me why I had stopped drinking, I would make some flippant reply because I was ashamed of the real reason I stopped. I had done something that I swore I would never do, I had become my father.I had hurt my son. Luckily the damage wasn’t irrepairable but his wounds were deep.
I avoided my Mother because I was ashamed. I reluctantly visited her on Mothers day and we didn’t speak about Anzac day but it was there, the elephant in the room.
Six weeks later Mum was diagnosed with cancer and there is nothing like a life threatening illness to make you sort out your priorities. The elephant vanished with a pop and we embarked upon the next stage of our relationship.
I dont know how many times I said to Veronica. “I am so pleased that I am not drinking” and her reply was always, “We are so pleased you are not drinking as well.”
to be continued…
It has been raining steadily here for days now and everything is very soggy. The paths have turned to a muddy black mush.The water tanks are overflowing and in the middle of the night, Jeff’s shed and Dave’s bedroom floor suffered minor flood damage. Not enough to cause any real damage, just enough to be a soggy,soggy nuisance.
I am expecting a horde of ravenous teenagers up here tomorrow to celebrate Dave’s birthday,(which is on Tuesday, the day of Mum’s funeral *sigh*) I am deliberately not thinking about the mud that will be tracked through the house via the shed (eeek).
Dave’s original plan was to have his friends, who are all city kids come up here and camp in the bush. Tents, campfires, junkfood and a large bonfire and ‘voila’ with the minimum of fuss, a good time is had by all .
Except that it is the middle of winter and it wont stop raining.
So now the modified plan is for the kids to all cram into Dave’s room as well as take over Jeff’s shed. Jeff is understandably less than thrilled at the prospect of his space being filled with strange teenagers. All I can do at the moment is try not to think about it too much.
I have bought essential supplies as per the list David gave me. Coke, pizza, chippies and ice-cream, seem to have all the essential food groups covered.
Think of me tomorrow. I will be the one rocking in the corner.
