I have been getting increasingly annoyed with the level of spam that I have been bombarded with lately. So I thought I would republish a post I originally published in 2008.

Let’s talk about sex.

My spam emails have been giving me a bit of a giggle lately. I have been intrigued by catchy little lines like this gem:-

MALE FEATURE WORTHY OF CASANOVA!

Of course I then opened the email to read this. “Don’t you want to spend your life suffering from your moderate love luger?”

Well no actually, I don’t and more to the point, how exactly does one suffer from a moderate love luger hmmm?

Then there was this, “Love tool deserving of a titan” with the following promise.

“You’ll cause her eyebrows to raise, when you pull out your newly upgraded love gun!”

I think I would do more than raise my eyebrows if  The Spouse’s penis had suddenly turned into a gun.

Another reference to a ‘love luger’ promised, “As it grows longer, she will beg of you to penetrate her flower!”

Ok, so if I am not mistaken, penises  are guns, whilst vaginas are pretty flowers.

So now I can just casually mention to The Spouse that my flower needs shooting, and I don’t even need to say the word sex anymore. I could even yell it out loudly in public, “Jeffreeey shoot my flower” and casual passers by would just think  that I was having issues with the roses.

I just raced out to the shed, camera in hand and demanded that Jeffrey shoot my flower.

Here is his reaction.

Yes, he is looking at me like I am a total nutter.

Rightio now back to the emails.

Then we have the miracle cures.    Add 2 inches to your dick size easily with just 2 pills of our formula per day.

At least this one called a penis a dick, I was getting a bit tired of lugers.

There were promises of permanent huge enlargements of your erect penis. Wouldn’t you get a bit tired with a permanently erect penis even if it was huge?  Well it would be fun initially but I am sure that it would be a bit of a nuisance after a while and if the penis is as large as these miracle pills promise, well then there is a very real danger of slamming your penis in the car door or schwacking it accidentally or even *gasp* receiving a black eye from your own penis.

Phew I am glad I only have a flower.

The Australian blogging conference is next week.

Twitter is all a flutter with talk of pre and post conference meet ups, tweet ups, dinner dates and the like.

Blog posts about what to wear and what not to wear, why we should wear this and why we shouldnt worry about wearing that, are popping up all over the place like pimples on a teenager.

Each time I see a tweet about makeup or fashion I get a little twitchy.

And I wonder about our obsession with our appearance.

And I then think critically about my own appearance.

And my own sense of style

Which I call bag lady chic.

And then I get the giggles and go and play in the mud.

So for anyone that is worried about what to wear, come and see me at the conference and I will make you feel like you are the queen of chic and the epitome of style. My ample proportions will also make you feel lovely and slim.

For the style challenged amongst us, here are some shoes I wore in the snow a couple of winters ago.

If you are shy come and find me because I am not shy at all.

And I would love to meet you.

Especially if you read my blog.

I will have bright purple hair

And I will be wearing stripey socks like these but my shoes will probably be black, or they could be purple flowery crocs. We shall have to wait and see.

Much much much more awesome.

It is official.

I am a superstar.

My plans to take over the world via the internet are on track.

I have officially hit the big time.

My star is rising and I will definitely need minions sooner rather than later.

How do I know? I hear you ask.

Someone has taken the time and trouble to set up a fake blog about me.

A completely fake blog, using my name, my blog’s name, my image and a post written by a friend of mine Xbox 4 Nappyrash.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It is hilarious.

I needed cheering up and this fake blog about me is just the trick.

Oh and for the authors of the fake blog, this image by @mackiemarsellos epitomises what it means to be Australian

*updated 15 Jan. Now there are two fake blogs. That must mean I am twice as awesome as I first thought I was. Well done you two.

Is that I can buy pretty,spinny, twirly things that make me smile.

Welcome to my life. Nothing is ever simple. And I wouldn’t have it any other way really.

I am doing a class called creative concept development. The aim of this eleven week class is to allow us the freedom to develop an idea that is separate from our current work. An idea that will inform our future work practice beyond what we are doing now.

I have decided to make a  short film.

Initially I wanted to make a fishing film where “The Spouse” or David caught a trout. I wanted to have this film showcase the gorgeous natural beauty of Tasmania, the excitement and thrill of catching a fish and the release of the lucky fish back into the lake.

I wanted to send this film to my friends in Massachusetts as well as share it here, with you on my blog.

But…

I just couldn’t get rid of the idea that it was a little bit boring, that it was just a bit too safe. I justified it to myself by saying that it would teach me the skills that I needed to make the dragon egg film in february, learn to walk Kimmy and all that.

Whilst inside my head mutant zombie fish were lurking. Killer fish banging on my mind saying, “Let us out! Let us out!”

So on the drive home I let the killer zombie, mutant fish out to play.

“The Spouse” thinks I am mad but that is nothing new and after his sixth beer last night he agreed to star in my film and be killed by a mutant fish. YAY.

So the idea is this, a man is fishing in a beautiful seaside location when he catches a large fish, he lands the fish and as he bends down to pick the fish up it suddenly transforms into a mutant killer and goes for his throat. He tries to fight the fish off but to no avail and and he dies a gory death.

Problems kept on popping up but they were easily solved. I thought of making the killer fish out of papier-mache but Veronica thought the water might wreck the fish. I also needed an oil rig, a couple of explosions, some oily water, a soundtrack and I probably will need a bex and a good lie down.

Last night I bought four blow up dolphins, a giant sea horse and an octopus from ebay, I can make the oil rig out of lego, I am sure I can find an explosion online, though I wish I had some crackers. David has said he will compose the music for the film. If I need some scorched earth a neighbour down the road has been burning off and I will ask them if I can film their front yard.

This is going to be so much fun. What do you think? Do you want to watch my film as well? Do you have any suggestions?

I don’t read that many American blogs but the ones that I do read I love to bits. My most recent discovery is Kristin, who is an entertaining writer, obsessed with her flag widget and occasionally gives her children sugar donuts for breakfast. What is not to love?

My all time favourite American blogger though is Jenny the bloggess. I lurk over at the bloggess giggling my head off at her writing. I very rarely comment because she receives hundreds of comments and by the time I get there, there is nothing left to say.

This post made me giggle my head off and this post  made me leap out of lurkerdom and request a James Garfield card too.

This arrived in the mail the other day.

Look at the smiley face of James Garfield there, what an impressive boar he must of been.

So once I had stopped skipping around the house giggling like a loon and clutching my James Garfield card to my chest. I decided that James Garfield needed a knighthood.

I dug out a spare sword I had kept, just in case I needed to bestow a knighthood on anyone and I dubbed thee Sir James Garfield, Lord of the Stye.

Just in case you are wondering. I am definitely qualified to bestow this honour on James Garfield because I am good friends with a queen and he said go for it,be my proxy. So Jenny if you are reading this the paperwork is in the mail.

On a whim I decided to go and show my little piggies the recently knighted Sir James Garfield, Lord of the Stye.

From their reaction you would have thought that a rockstar had come to visit. There was much piggy squealing and snorting and in amongst the grunts of delight I gathered that Sir James would have been well pleased with his knighthood had he been around to actually enjoy it.

Dust off the barbies people it is time for a lambfest. Organic of course.

Apparently sheep are the cause of our global warming problems. The little woolly buggers are burping tonnes of methane into our atmosphere.

… if the methane produced by Australia’s 80 million or so sheep was reduced by just 10 or 15 per cent in the next decade, it would have “a substantial and also a long-term impact on our greenhouse gas emissions.”

All those climate sceptics in the Liberal party should be rubbing their hands together with glee. It is sheep that are the problem. Not the great big polluting industries at all. We dont have to worry about reducing our emissions.We can stop calculating our carbon footprints. We can just keep on merrily consuming away

All we have to do is get rid of the sheep. Or stop them burping at least.

Now where is that mint sauce?

I need a robotic stunt double to do the morning shift for me.I am sick of saying the same things over and over to my teenage son.If I had a robotic version of myself, I could take a nice little holiday and give my vocal chords a much needed rest.

Robo-Mum could be programmed to stand at the doorway of my teenager’s bedroom repeating, “Get out of bed, get out of bed now!” every five minutes from 6.45 am to 7’15.

Then Robo-Mum would casually follow the teenager to the bathroom door and start repeating,”Move away from the mirror, get into the shower” from 7.20 to 7.30. Once the water had been running for 5 minutes, Robo-Mum would start chanting,”Get out of the shower.That’s long enough and my personal favourite, Do you think water just falls from the sky?”

Still stationed at the bathroom door Robo-Mum reverts back to the, “Move away from the mirror” cry at 5 minute intervals until her tune will change to the more frantic chorus of, “Hurry up, breakfast is ready,you are going to miss the bus.”

Robo-Mum will be skilled at juggling all the normal morning demands and wont even bat a robotic eye,when informed that the teenager needs some obscure item from deep within a Brazilian rainforest cave for a science project right this minute. Robo-Mum will just magically pull the obscure item out of her arse along with unlimited amounts of ready cash.

I doubt that David would even notice that I had employed a robot to do the repetitive hurry ups, the clean your teeths and the you are going to miss the bus, phrases that I  say eleventy billion times every single fucking morning. Aaaaaaaaaaaaarggggh!! He might be a tad surprised at the money out of the robots arse trick though, because I am sure he thinks it grows on trees.

Well fancy that.

My son is a young man of many talents. Not the least of them being the ability to sometimes make me giggle when I am really pissed off with him.

I was giving David a rather long winded lecture and I was actually working myself up rather nicely into one of my Mother from Hell moods. David was filling up the wood box and so he was walking in and out of the house as I was ranting at him talking to him.

Here is my son midway through our conversation. He is fogging up the window with his breath and writing I heart Mum with his nose..

I threatened him with the camera and my blog and that just encouraged him to start making silly faces at me.

If I wasn’t worried about frostbite I might have written I heart David with my nose as well.

1.  What is your earliest childhood memory?

Not wanting to leave the warmth of the spaceship and my mother bending over me and gently tucking my tentacles behind my ears and telling me that our planet was doomed and if I didn’t climb into the pod, “Right now Missy’” I wouldn’t get any supper…

2.  What is your dream vacation?  Where would you go if you had unlimited funds and were excused from all responsibilities?

I would try to reclaim my pod which is in storage somewhere in an underground facility in the middle of an American desert. Failing that, The Spouse and I would love to go to New Zealand. We have always wanted to hire a helicopter and a guide and fish the Tongariro river..

After a week or two of successful catch and release trout fishing, where I caught the biggest fish as well. HA!!! I would then travel on my own to the battlefields of  France and stay at Villiers Bretonneux for the Anzac day service.

Then I would have to go to next door to Belgium and visit Jientje . Which in turn would give me the perfect excuse to jet set all over the world  visiting everyone else from my blogosphere.  Mmmm.. It is a nice dream.

3.  Where is your favorite place to be?

I don’t really have a favourite place. I am one of those rare individuals who is generally happy wherever I am. I tend to exist in the moment. So at this moment I am happy here, writing this because the words are flowing. I am not being bothered by David or nagged by Jeffrey.

The cat is sitting behind the computer watching the tadpoles and the dog is asleep on the floor with his head touching my foot. The balcony door is open and I can smell the honeysuckle. So at this moment right here is a pretty good spot to be. I wish I could find that pod though…

4.  Tell me about your favorite book or movie or song or something.

I am a voracious reader and generally have two or three novels on the go at the same time. So it has always been a source of frustration to me that I can never remember the names of books that I have read and whilst some author’s names ring clear as a bell inside my brain others that I have loved are forever on the tip of my tongue..*sigh*

As for music I like all music except for the shouting songs, you know the ones where the lead singer has swallowed the microphone. That type of music makes my ears bleed. I am pleased that David’s room is on the other side of the house because some of his music is very shouty..

The only music that I refuse to listen to any more is Midnight Oil because Peter Garret is a yellow bellied snake in the grass. I sent my cd’s to his office in protest at his wussy environmental policies.. GAH… Now if I could find my pod I would shoot him out to Pluto to be with all the other losers that suck their teeth and don’t know how to drive….

5.  If you were the supreme ruler of the universe, what petty little pet peeve would be a capital crime?  And what would be the punishment?  (Like, would people who suck their teeth at the table be banished to the outer rings of Pluto?  Or maybe people who drive for miles with their left turn signal on might be allowed to only ever make right turns…)

Mmmm???? I am starting to wonder if Julie is from another planet as well. How else could she know about Pluto?

Being Supreme ruler of the universe sucks. All you do, day in and day out is rubber stamp applications to extend terrestrial boundaries and deal with petty hoons who think it is fun to land in corn fields in Nebraska.. *sigh*

Or so I have heard *ooops*

My Pet peeve is people who say arks instead of ask..  AAAAARGHHH.  Apparently there is no cure for this habit so there wouldn’t be any point sending them to one of  the eight moons of Neptune to relearn basic diction.  They would have to be banished to Hollywood where they would be doomed to be Adam Sandlers stunt double, that would be punishment enough.

There is a meme doing the rounds at the moment and I decided that I wanted to play as well. So I asked Julie, she of Rats in laboratory cancer fame to ask me some questions. These are what she came up with..

There were rules attached to this post but looking for Adam Sandlers most annoying movies, so that I could link to one just for you, has made my brain shutdown.  If you would like me to ask you 5 questions that I have made up all by myself, just say so in the comments and you can be the next victim participant..

Cheers Kim