Yep, anytime that anyone wants to stop this rollercoaster ride that I am on, is good with me..
It is exactly eight months to the day that Mum told me that yes, the lump on her lung was definitely lung cancer.
Eight months of non-stop emotional upheaval.
Eight months of half written, unpublished posts like this one.
… On the 19th of June my mother rang me and told me that a chest xray had shown that she had a lump on her lung. We spoke on the phone for probably an hour and we talked that lump into nothing more threatening than a cyst.
On the 24th of June, I was at Veronica’s when Mum rang me and told me that she had lung cancer. Mum was sitting on the side of the road in her car trying to process the information. I had gone cold and I suddenly found it hard to breathe. I felt like being sick so I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Mum was feeling.
I had turned my back on Veronica so I didn’t have to look at her while I was talking to mum because I knew I would start to cry...
Eight months of pain and anger and frustration. And worry. Lots and lots of worry.
But there has also been hope and joy.
Hope, that the radiation treatment,coupled with alternate therapies could help.
Joy, when we discovered that the tumour had shrunk.
We had a period of time over the Christmas break where we were encased in a bubble of hope and positivity and the awful realities of lung cancer could be pushed away to the backs of our subconscious.
Then the nagging worry that things were worse than they seemed, surfaced as I watched Mum struggle for breath after only minor exertions, like walking to her garden shed, only ten flat metres away from her back door.
And finally the numb despair and disbelief when we discovered that the tumour had grown again and attached itself to one of the veins in Mum’s heart.
FUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKRATBRAINSHITFUCK.
Last thursday Mum and I went to yet another appointment with her oncologist and things aren’t quite as black as we were led to believe at the previous appointment at the hospital.. *phew*
Things are still pretty shitty but some treatment options are still available.Options like some more radiation and possibly chemotherapy, But the doctors really dont want to do anything now whilst mum is still quite well in herself.
As it stands at the moment Mum is taking Tiff’s favourite steroid ,prednisone to keep her airways open. A small dose of slow release morphine,combined with liquid iboprufren to help with the pain, other tablets for heart palpitations,codeine linctus cough medicine, an asthma puffer as required and a partridge in a pear tree thrown in for luck… try singing all that to the tune of the twelve days of christmas.. *gah..*
So here we are at the end of summer just taking things day by day. Lurching along from one appointment to the next. From scan to scan. Trying to cope as best we can. Now I am off to take some photographs of the sky..
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Many hugs!! Elf has been on prednisone as a little one. You know to be careful not to expose her to flu and cold, but otherwise a very helpful medicine.
I’m so glad that things are a bit better. I hope the hospital and other folks are able to help your Mum settle in to a new normal, have others do the gardening this year, etc.
God bless ya big!!
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hugs.
more hugs.
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Kimmy, I am so sorry. I hate those words, but I am. I just wish I could swoop you up and make it all better. I wish I could cure your Mum, or that the doctors could. Or that everybody’s favorite divine entity would perform some fabulous miracle (that we KNOW he/she is capable of!!) and your Mum would live happily ever after.
Worry. It sucks. I believe there is no Hell. I believe the hell we live right here on Earth in the form of gut wrenching worry is all the Hell needed.
Big {{{{{HUG}}}}
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Bullet Point Saturday (Sorry folks, it’s all I’ve got in me today)
That’s a lot of medications. Can she mix it all up and take it as a soup? Add a little tomato sauce to make it tastier? Just trying to make you smile here. I’m glad your mum is managing better than we all feared, and day by day is the best way to see things. Here’s hoping she won’t need the radiation or chemo for quite a while.
Your title suggested very bad news, and I’m glad I’m wrong. At least, it’s better than I thought it would be. I agree with Hyphen Mama, Hell is right here on earth, it’s called sorrow and worry!
Taking it one day at a time is all the advice I can give you, and I realize, trying not to worry too much is much easily said than done.
Big big hug Kim xxx
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big hugs
i hope things sort them selves out soon..
and the very best of thoughts to your mum..
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Please stay positive, makes all the difference to everyone mentally. I really hope the treatments available help as much as possible. You wouldnt be human if you didnt feel this way…and its nice of you to share it.
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Hugs, Hugs, more hugs and a bit of love thrown in for good measure. Thinking of you all, BG x
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I look at you and I look at Von and, realizing that some of what you are is in-born and some of what you are is learned, I have to look at where most of that had to have come from. All I can say is – she must be one remarkable woman. I pray all will be well.
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Just all my best.
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(((HUGE hugs)))
We found out recently that after my mum’s most recent heart op in oct, they nicked a nerve which has paralysed half her diaphragm which has, in turn, caused the majority of her right lung to collapse. Nothing they can do.
It’s horrible to see her not even able to hold Max for long.
So although it’s not cancer, I know how sad you’re feeling. xx
I am glad things are not as black as they seemed…but it sucks that they are not better. I hope you have many more of those bubbles of hope and positivity, and that your mum has many many good days ahead of her.
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(((hugs))) Kim.
Thinking of you and your Mum.
You know I know.
<3 babe.
As always, you are all in my thoughts.
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I just read your comment on my blog and thought I’d come over here and check your blog out. Oh my goodness. I am just overcome with sadness for you. I lost my sister to breast cancer last year. And we went through 4 years of tests, chemo, radiation, joy at progress, tears at cancer spreading. It IS a roller coaster. My sister was diagnosed at stage IV so we knew in the beginning that her prognosis was bleak. Your post, while sad, is beautifully written. I really hope that your mom’s cancer goes into remission. Anything is possible. If I could send you strength through this comment I would. If my compassion could only find it’s way to your heart somehow and help it not hurt as much. I know it’s not enough.
Damn, I wish I had the power to stop it for you. All I can do is think of you, Veronica and your mum and hope that you still have good times ahead of you.
(((((hugs))))
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I wish I could stabilize this rollercoaster for you all. My thoughts are always with you all and keeping positive thought.
Momisodess last blog post..Your Love Is Better Than…Caffeine
Hugs and hugs and hugs and now a few extra hugs.
Look at the sky and think of happy stuff too
Tinkingbells last blog post..
Prednisone sucks. So does this. It’s not fair.
I know that none of my words can make anything better or change anything and I am sorry and I wish the ride was slower and much more pleasant.
tiffs last blog post..My daughter’s keeper.