Out of the mouths of babes.. *sigh* Amy looked at my Mum in her hospital bed and then very solemnly told me, “My Nanny is very sick”.
I had to agree with her, “Yes Darling, Nanny is very sick.”
I don’t know what is harder, writing about Mum and her cancer knowing that she reads my blog. Or writing about Mum with the thought in the back of my mind that she mightn’t actually get to read this post.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Ratbrainshitfuck.
We had been going really well. The pain meds were working and the steroids Mum was taking to help her breathe, had given her a healthy appetite and a nice little boost of energy.
The fact that the cancer had spread into a couple of spots in the back of her skull and jaw as well as into her spine was secondary really. We were just going to give those pesky bone mets a quick zap or two of radiation and then it was back to normal. Well as normal as possible.
When you are living with a terminal illness you don’t stop making plans and looking towards the future. You grab each pain free moment and embrace it.
Mum and I weren’t quick enough grabbing our moment and we wasted three pain free weeks waiting for doctors and eventually having radiation.
The first lot of five zaps to Mum’s skull and jaw were completed and the only side effects were loss of appetite and some residual tiredness. Most importantly Mum still had all her hair. The ‘wig in waiting’ was still waiting.
Last week a CT scan ordered by Mum’s Doctor, showed that the bone mets in Mum’s spine had fractured a vertebrae and so we started another round of radiation on Wednesday the 10th of June.
By Friday, Mum was quite annoyed that her hair had started to fall out and she was frustrated that she was tiring so easily.
Saturday the 13th of June I needed to have Mum admitted to hospital. The decline in Mum was rapid and frightening. Mum had suddenly become very frail overnight and she was a bit confused as well. Mum couldn’t walk without hanging onto my arm and she just didn’t have the strength to dress herself. Her pain levels were quite high and I was very worried.
Once I had admitted Mum to hospital I felt equal amounts of relief and fear. I was relieved that Mum was safe and being cared for. And I was frightened at just how rapidly Mum had gone downhill. I was frightened that now Veronica and I, who had been with Mum every step of this horrible journey would be left out of the loop. Things were suddenly spiralling out of control, out of MY control and I was afraid.
Afraid that the staff at the palliative care unit wouldn’t care for Mum properly. Afraid that they would treat Mum’s frailty as normal. Afraid that this isn’t just a glitch, that maybe this is the beginning of the end.
Afraid. Afraid. Afraid. I am Afraid.
The phone rang here at ten past seven this morning and I nearly jumped out of my fucking skin. When the caller said they were from Calvary’s Cardiac Centre, I nearly had a fucking cardiac myself. The receptionist was only calling to cancel Davids appointment for his echocardiogram today and blah de blah, blah blah. Phew.
Instead of sending David to school today I will take him in to visit Mum. It will be a shock for Dave but at the moment I am not prepared to waste any time at all.
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Oh Kim, I have no words (again) only hugs. Hugs and hugs and more hugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Rees last blog post..MM – Texture
Yeah, I blogged about it too. Sigh.
Veronicas last blog post..Muddy Cuddles
I can via Veronica. I’m so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts, prayers and (((hugs))) are with you all.
Joyce-Annes last blog post..Where does the time go?
oops *came*
Joyce-Annes last blog post..Where does the time go?
I pray for Mum, for you, for Von. That you all can have the strength and courage you need.
(((hugs))) That is such shitty news, Kim, I’m so sorry for you all.
Jaynes last blog post..Manicure Do’s and Don’t’s
{{{hugs}}}
Hugs and love, BG x x x
So sorry Kim. All my love on it’s way over to you all. xxx
Marylins last blog post..Note to self…
Hugs to you and your family. Heartbreaking to see a Mum go through this. Every time I visit mine, I come away in tears knowing it may be the last time I’ll see her – you are lucky to be close by and be a comfort to her. Keep it up.
Avrils last blog post..Weekly Winners : 7 – 13 June
Praying for Nan this morning. And your family. And for David to understand. (I know it isn’t understandable… but… for him to have a good grasp on what is going on.)
Please tell Nan people all over the world are thinking of her this morning. :]
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Pray For G!!
I sorry Kim, such awful news (hugz) ,thinking of you and your family.
I pray they keep ‘Nan’ comfortable and for your strength to uphold you.
I still hate late night and early morning phone calls.
Trishs last blog post..I ? Faces … Sepia!
Hugs Kim,
There are no words.
tiffs last blog post..About a boy.
hugs.
My prayers are with you
Mistress Bs last blog post..Screw Up Tuesday!
I am so so sorry.
{{{HUGS}}}
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..I figured out what I want to be when I grow up
so sorry to hear hun..
big big hugs..
thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to you all..
Damn. I’m so sorry. Prayers, positive thoughts and anything else I can come up with are speeding their way to you and everyone there. Lots of love.
Barbaras last blog post..All Hail
I’m totally new to your site and don’t even know the full story here, but I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’ve currently got three people in my own life, who are very close to me, battling various forms of Stage 4 cancer and all of them have been told that “unless this” happens, they will be gone within months, if not weeks.
So, ditto on Shit. Shit. Shit. Ratbrainshitfuck.
And… prayers for you and your loved ones.
Jen @ amazingtripss last blog post..what would shirley maclaine say?
You have all the best wishes I have to give, all of ye.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Rear view mirrors
You can run, but you cant hide,I now have wireless broadband, so I can find you any time.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and best thoughts I really do appreciate them all
Hi mate, hope I am doing this right. I know you are doing it pretty tough at the moment and am thinking positive knowing that you are getting the best of care,(god help them if they dont, Kim and kids will devour them) Its good that your Mum can get into see you and as Kim says you are starting to “growl” so you must be feeling a bit better. Get in touch any time. Love Lauren