I have stopped sobbing now.Previously I only had to think of my Mother and I would start to sob. The tears would flow for five minutes or so and then I would be right.Ten minutes later I would start again.
I have a zillion half written posts in my drafts folder. Posts that start off like this.
All I want to do at the moment is crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend the real world doesn’t exist. Yesterday by three o’clock in the afternoon I was knackered and the idea of just going to bed was so tempting, that I very nearly did just that. Sometimes I think that Eliza Bennett’s mother in Pride and Prejudice had the right idea when she just declared it,” All too much!” and took to her bed.
I want to ring my Grandmother to see how she is going but every time I even think about my Nan I start to cry.
Then there were posts like this one.
I am sitting here in the dark trying desperately not to think about the lump in my daughter’s breast. Ha! Epic fail.There are two distinct voices in my head, one is telling me that everything is going to be okay. Von is breastfeeding. She found the lump early. We have a history of fatty lumps. Don’t panic.
The other is the voice of pure terror and it is whispering the words, my daughter might have breast cancer, over and over at me. I truly don’t know if I have the strength to deal with a cancerous lump right at this moment in time.
I was supposed to return to Tafe that week but I went to the ultrasound with Veronica and Nathan instead. I cannot even begin to describe the relief that I felt when Vonnie was given the all clear. It was just a fatty lump. YAY.
We then went to visit my Grandmother, herself a breast cancer survivor. I hadn’t seen my Nan since the funeral and I couldn’t stop my tears. Nan held me close and I sobbed like a child bereft.
We three women who had been there at the end, sat and talked and cried. We shared our pain and our memories. Nan talked about Mum’s first day at school and we consoled each other with our recollections. With each memory shared and each tear shed we affirmed our love, not just for Mum but for each other. Our visit started with tears and ended with laughter.
It has been 25 days since my Mother died and the sharp edge of my grief is changing into a softer ache.
My Mother loved to cook and I have her cookbooks here with me. I am using Mum’s saucepans and her oven mitts hang in my kitchen. Small things of Mum’s that give me a great deal of comfort and pleasure.
I was using Mum’s pots the other night and I had emptied a pan of spaghetti sauce that I had made into a bowl. Harry the dog was looking at the pot longingly, hoping to lick the bowl.I distinctly heard my Mother telling me, “Don’t even think about it Kimmy!” I smiled to myself as I did as I was told and put the pan on the sink to be washed.
Isaac had a seizure on Thursday and we are waiting to see if he has epilepsy, or if it is related to Ehlers Danlos Syndrome as well. When Veronica rang me and said she was in the hospital with Isaac, my first thought was, right I will just let Mum know. Then I remembered and I sighed with sadness but I didn’t start to cry.
Life is slowly returning to a familiar rythym. David is back at school. I have returned to my studies. The house is full of clay and Jeffrey is growling about the mess I make. Things are as normal as they can be and I am starting to think about picking up my camera again. I have pots in my head screaming to be made and Barbara’s bum is morphing into a ladybird instead of a stag beetle. I am still not dreaming but I know my dreams will return and when they do I will follow them.
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‘They’ say there are different stages of grieving and I remember seeing my mum go through them all when her father passed away. Anger to sadness to loss to laughter…I wished she had had an outlet like you have to write about it, and I hope it helps you in some way. I’m glad that things are starting to return to normal.
Tanyas last blog post..Light at the end of the tunnel
You guys … but especially you … if I was a woman, the best I could be would be to be just like you.
lceels last blog post..W.C.
I’m so glad the wheel is starting to turn for you and things are returning to rythym. They won’t ever be quite ‘normal how they were’, but a new kind of normal sounds like it’s on its way.
hugs
Mistress Bs last blog post..Today
It’s a bit of a relief when the sobs subside. I used to be a regular roadrunner, but after Ma died, I avoided public places because I was embarrassed at all the snotfests I had. I guess it’s time to get out more, but I guess I’m in a bit of a rut now.
witchypoos last blog post..Mocking my Dead Mother
I really have my fingers crossed that Isaac’s problem was a one-off because I do think that this year has had more than enough trauma for SIX families already, never mind just the one.
Nice to hear that the ‘edges’ are softening up a bit. Working some clay will surely help. . .
I’m glad you all have such close ties and are able to help each other through this. I’m glad you are beginning to think of working again, it will help.
Just time.
Be kind to yourselves.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Sing it, Neil
((hugs))
Marylins last blog post..Happy Birthday to my Big Boy! 🙂
And life goes on. Somehow. XX
Rees last blog post..The Michigan Derecho – Past in Polaroids 24
Hey! Having trouble loading your blog but wanted to say I hope things calm down soon. :[
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Our Curriculum: Mathematics
Everything I wrote sounded a bit vacuous but I’m glad you’re thinking about my bum again.
Barbaras last blog post..Support Network
All you can do is just keep on moving along. She is watching over you with much love for all of you. ((HUGS))
Joyce-Annes last blog post..The Open Road
Good! Moving on is good. Yay – about the lump!
I too have my Mum’s cook books and a few, just a few, things from her kitchen – we packed up her household of stuff in just a few days after her stroke in Zimbabwe – emotional wreck, I was, but I went into the kitchen late one night and picked a few things to put in my suitcase – I am so grateful now.
Avrils last blog post..Weekly Winners : 12 – 18 July
Life will never be the same, and you’ll always miss her, but I’m glad the pain is a little less sharp, and you’re keeping busy with the usual stuff. Yaay for Veronica, but I’m sorry about the baby.
Take your camera and take pictures of the sky again Kim, I’m sure she’s smiling upon you and your family from wherever she is now. Big hug. xxx
I know it would just break her heart to know she’s causing you this sadness. Life should not be this hard.
I’m so sorry it is.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..WWYD?
It takes time, and I’m sure your mum’s spirit is there for you. Her love will always be. I’ve written a lot about my own grief in my blog, and found it and the blogging community an enormous help. Look after yourself. My thoughts are with you.
Brigits last blog post..Sydney And The Deep Blue Sea
The mind does play tricks on you when you are grieving.
All the routine things you did, come back to haunt you for a brief taunting second. It makes life so surreal at times.
All the best and prayers for you.
Suzy
Suzy Pafkas last blog post..Channeling
(((hugs)))
Jaynes last blog post..Hey Hey Ricky – Barmy Army song
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I want to thank you for posting this because it was just what I needed to see today. I love my mother so much–no one has been a greater champion to me than she has–and we had an argument yesterday. I need to go apologize because you never know when someone you love might be taken from you.
It always amazes me that we seem to receive what we need, as long as we keep our heart and mind open to it.
Again, I’m sorry for your pain of losing your mum. I know when my mom dies (and it will be any year now) that it will be the most unbearable pain of my life.
Melinda
Melindas last blog post..Battle Scars
thinking of you all
Oh Kim. If I could hug you right now I would squeeze you so tight.
My heart is breaking for you.
Hugs Kim,
I haven’t got much more than that but I wish you so much strength and peace.
I wish I could give you a hug and make you some tea and dinner or something, let you know how loved you are.
Oh, hugs, kim. I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you have to have all this worry on top of it. Thank God Veronica’s lump was nothing, and I pray that Isaac will be the healthiest baby in the Southern Hemisphere. Y’all have had enough to deal with already.
I feel rather awful that I haven’t been around to read in the last month or so. Not a good bloggy friend at all. Today I will post some photos of Alaska, some photos of the wildflowers that are blooming here like crazy, in honor of you and your Mum.