If you want happy you wont find it here today. You should probably just google lolcats instead.
I met with the real estate agents at Mum’s on Monday and about 5 minutes into the conversation the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I walked to the window and watched the rain for a moment or two whilst I regained my composure. The real estate agents shuffled their feet and mumbled that it was perfectly understandable and were visibly relieved when we got back down to business.
A price has been set. There will be an open home in two weeks. It is all happening very quickly.
Yesterday I stood in the middle of Mum’s living area and tried to see the house with unbiased eyes and I couldn’t manage it. All I could see was my mother and my mothers things. After two hours of working like a cut cat I had the house presentable enough for marketing photos to be taken.
When I came home, The Spouse had cooked dinner and as he hugged me he asked if I was okay. I told him that I was and that I had a bit of a cry.What I didn’t describe to him was how I had stood for ages, just staring at the suitcase that I had brought home from the hospital, willing myself to open it. When I finally did open it I could smell the hospital and my Mother. I buried my face into Mum’s favourite pjs and in between my sobs I tried to capture her scent.
Today, finally after weeks of grey, grey weather that has been slowly sending me a little insane, the sky is blue. Mum’s good friend Lyn rang me last night and it was a relief to be able to talk to someone other than Veronica that actually gets how much we miss Mum.
It has been ten weeks and somedays the pain is so raw it hurts to breathe.
At least I have this place, my blog, where I can just dump all the words that are in my head and walk away. Contrary to what Veronica’s evil little troll thinks, I am not writing for sympathy. I am writing for myself. I am writing out the pain so that today I can go outside and enjoy the blue sky before I have to go back down to Mum’s and pack away more of her life into cardboard boxes.
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Ginormous hugs Kim, for you and your family.
Oh hugs Kim – it’s all so hard – and you do need extra hugs. One of the many problems with our society is the ban on grieving and crying and any emotion other than stupid manufactured ones – true deep emotion is frowned on. It takes a long time and the pain never really goes, just softens.
BTW – sorry to tell you, but most chocolate has gluten and wheat in it – and so does some soy!
Just keep loving yourself, and just do whatever it is you need to do, cry, laugh, breathe, write, scream… and remember that there are people on this earth that are grateful for everything that you are. Hugs.
only ten weeks…yet an eternity i would imagine
hugs and prayers
kathleen
xxx
Hoping the writing helps ..
I live far away from my mother and I often think that I miss her smell most of all. Hugs.
xxx
I hope “mynanny’s” house sells to people who are every bit as nice as your mum, who you can all be great friends with. Although it will take time to get used to different people being there, it will be much easier if they are friendly and nice.
Trolls are incredibly insensitive.
The pain can hit us like a brick somedays …or all the time for a long time.
I hope what River says.
Oh sweety, ((huge hugs)) and lots of love to you all xxx
Oh, Kim. The hard part is knowing there is no lotion, no salve, no healer but time. and even then – there will always be a hole in your life that was left there when she went. Know that the edges of that hole will soften as you fill it up with memories. It will never be smooth, but it won’t be so much of a pothole, either. It may even become a place you like to go to, for love, for peace, for inspiration. I’m willing to wager she would like that a whole lot more than being a source of grief.
A lurker forced out to say … I feel for you….. I haven’t lost my mum, but i’ve lost friends and relatives and I know how hard it is… your posts are so poignant that I cry with you. just know that there are a lot of strangers out there who are feeling for you. hugs xx
Dammit. I’m so sorry. This is horrible for you and everyone who knew your mum. I hope you have some more blue skys.
Gah.
Just gah.
I, too, hope what River says.
I also hope that you continue to feel comfortable expressing your feelings on your blog… trolls be damned.
This must be SO hard. I can imagine. And yet I can’t. Time will soften the pain, and the good memories will take over. In the mean time you have us. To give you a hug, when you need it.
((hugs)) xxx
I am in tears as you talk about your mum……..
sigh…..10 weeks….such a short time and such a long time too.
I lost my mum over 25 yrs ago and I still miss her.
Talk all you want.yell,rant,scream and yell.
gentle hugs
As I write this I keep glancing at a picture of my grandmother which has faded somewhat as I like to keep it on a windowsill which catches the sun as it makes her blue eyes twinkle as though she were still alive. In my heart she is and I think in yours your mum is too. She will stay forever in your heart. The practicalities which you are having to go through must be so so hard and your words describe your sorrow, which is still so raw. Grief is an emotion no-one really talks about, but here you can say exactly how it feels. An internet hug from me to you will not make your grief less intense I know, I just can’t think of another way to say – take care. gentle hugs
I turned to writing my blog after my best friend, my lover, my confidant died suddenly. Writing was what I clung to, what I needed to do, to express, to escape, to survive. Grief is a no choice journey, you take with a blindfold on. You can’t turn back, you have to go with it. Just know that the pain does subside and grief does eventually release it’s grip bit by bit.
This is YOUR grief for your mother. You keep on writing, or not writing, pottering or not pottering, what ever it is you need to do.
oh Kim.
Thinking of you sweetie.
Oh Kim,
Keep writing.
Even if you are writing just for you, we can still give you sympathy, can’t we?
We can walk with you, be a shoulder, hold your hand.
I lost my mom one year ago, I know what you are feeling, my advice is to keep your mind busy, you’re great photographer and writer, best wishes.