As a visual artist I do my thinking in public. I am comfortable with that. A nest of ceramic eggs in a public space is the realisation of a series of thoughts as well as an invitation to you the public to join in the discourse, to participate in the public thought processes with me.
This blog is where I start the public thinking process.
A conversation that starts here on the blog as nothing more than a wisp of an idea often coalesces into something much more tangible than an abstract concept.
The simple processes of examination of my ideas and feedback from you is an invaluable tool.
I use this blog to de-clutter my mind, I take ideas out and examine them publicly and see what happens.
I also use this blog to poke at old wounds and see if they still hurt.
My father does not hurt me anymore.
The spiritual wounds received through the loss of my mother though are still incredibly painful and raw and will be for a long time.
In my life there is no one to comfort me in the same way that I was comforted by my mother. I feel as vulnerable and as lost as a child and by writing out these words on the blog I am seeking comfort.
I am also writing the words to lessen their hurt.
To publicly examine that loss and to acknowledge to myself that I am not alone.
I think I need to make something large, something to help me work through these feelings of loss and loneliness.
I think I need to make an angel.
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This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it “out loud”. I think there must be something in the air at the moment, I’m feeling it myself and know of others also doing a similar process in the past day or two. I love the sound of a big angel xxx
Thanks for commenting Kirrily. I drew a rough sketch of the angel this morning. I think it will be good to make something purely for myself.
I think writing is such a wonderful form of therapy. Plus sharing helps lessen the load. This combination makes you wonder why everyone’s not writing a blog.
I look forward to hearing more about your big project and how it helps you with the healing process. That photo is just beautiful. too.
Take care of yourself. xx
I have always kept a written journal, there was a time when I couldn’t think properly without a pen in my hand. Now the words fall out of the tips of my fingers onto the keyboard instead. I will document the process here for sure.
I kept a daily diary for a year and wrote a about half an A4 page’s worth some years back; I found my writing technique quickly improved, then regressed. Blogging has certainly revived it for me though 🙂
Of course you know that angels are mighty protectors of humanity and bearers of great news. 🙂
Yes.
I love that you can write ‘As a visual artist…… for I am not anything.
How strange that I haven’t looked at a blog for a couple of days, lost in pain and lonliness is there in both. The first was mimsy in the borogroves a blog I have recently found and there in stark honesty was a post on lonliness. Here the second blog I read tonight, a post on the lonliness of grief, losing your comfort, the being that grounded you. I understand your need for a visual angel but the truth is I think your angel is surrounding you always. The love of your mother, is still there, but to miss the physical presence is the hardest to come to terms with. I have my mother but she and I have a complicated relationship. My grandmother died a long time ago now, how strange that my mind refuses to accept how much time ago that was. I have learned to communicate with her, in my head we have conversations, she guides me still. It doesn’t stop me missing her so badly. I understand Kim how much you miss her. I envy you in a nice way that you can find some comfort in your art finding an outlet for emotion held within. She is still with you Kim, as you are part of she. So deep inside you is the strength. No one ever teaches do they how to deal with all of this, the pain of grief. In a day sometimes where I think I am doing ok, I get an ache deep inside needing her and still find myself suprised that she is not here. The child in me I think thought she would live forever. Sometimes I want to scream and have a meltdown because she died so long ago now I find it hard to accept that other members of the family, my mother in particular seem uncomfortable when I mention her, embarrassed that I say I miss her still each day. But that is the truth.
It seems to me that the blogs I like the best are the spilling out of honest thoughts. Helping me for which I am eternally grateful to see that the whole thing can go one step further into creativity. One day perhaps I will be brave enough to let out the artist inside. In the meantime Kim, I find solace in your words, knowing that across the world is a kindred spirit. The thing I love about you is you evolve emotions into art. Now I am repeating myself but I know you know what I mean.
I am so sorry that your loss is so much to bear. I can only hold out my virtual hand to hold yours. A virtual representation perhaps of your guardian angel Kim.
You are my friend.
Thank you for posting the thoughts swirling around in my mind – you have a great gift for describing the essence of blogging. I suppose that see it as a project where I am trying to speak the truth about my experience as I fumble along trying to live a life that fits me. Although I do hold back and I’m struggling with that at the moment. I sit at my keyboard and I feel like ranting or whining or daydreaming and the sensible, cautious part of my brain says, “Um, yeah, you can’t say that on the Internet”. I think the most interesting blogs are the ones like yours where you post that stuff anyway. And I don’t, always. I have a few posts that I’ve written in the last week that I haven’t published, just because they felt risky for one reason or another. And I know that the risky stuff is the most interesting.
I really enjoy reading the conversations (better word than comments) I see here. I can see that when your ideas float out, they bounce around in other people’s heads and make new ideas. I think of it like a nuclear reaction – every idea that goes out creates a couple new ones. Then those new ideas flow back in towards you, the author and perhaps bounce around in *your* head, creating new ideas that flow back out… well, it creates a self-sustaining system that generates a lot of energy. It’s no longer a static documentary; it’s a much more fulfilling process for all of those involved.
I used to read a very honest and raw blog written by a lovely woman who blogged under the pseudonym Akeeyu Buttmansion, her blog is now private and I often wonder how she is going. Her blog and her honesty made a huge impact on me. One post of hers was titled, “Well, Internet, Now That It’s Just The Two of Us…” and that title captured exactly how I felt when I was about to talk about my rawest emotions or fears. She also was my inspiration for my comment policy.
You have also captured my thoughts when you describe the conversation that happens here as well. Thankyou for describing what happens so succinctly 🙂
I’m glad to be here with everyone else and help you with processing your grief. I think an angel is a wonderful thing to make. I’m looking forward to seeing it in all its stages.
When the idea popped into my head this morning, as I was writing the post I thought, “Yes!” and it just felt right. Plus River I like to be doing. I am also glad you are here. 🙂
You write beautifully…I am so glad you have this blog to help you along the way..to express your innermost feelings…blogging, how wonderful it is ?
Thanks, and yes blogging is pretty cool 🙂
A big angel, yes. That feels right to me. I can’t wait to see what springs forth from this idea.
xxx
It feels right to me as well, I will document the process Ali.
Blogging to declutter and organise. I know for me the act of writing, especially about the difficult stuff, makes me see things clearer. For the writing to be coherant you need to rummage around in the maelstrom till you find that starting point. Then you examine, and re-examine what you feel. Turn it over, look at it from different angles, pull it all apart. Then slowly put it back together in a way that finally makes sense, that leaves you in a place where, it’s not necessarily resolved, but you are simply okay with it. The comments, or conversations as someone else said (I like that) then make you re-examine it again from different angles, or sometimes give you comfort in knowing that someone else simply ‘gets it’. I hope you can find some healing through this process.
Yes. You have described the process perfectly. Simply by saying the words out loud or writing them down lessens their power. I am pleased that you commented because it is a sweet moment when you realise that someone else does the same thing. 🙂
Great therapy through blogging this week Kim. Have been helping you carry that load from a distance. Even heard of a lovely retreat at Niche in July if you are interested on art/yoga…no experience in either needed : ) I have gained a lot of healing through my gardening and so I know the angel project could be really worthwhile. Just. For. You.
Thanks Mary. I am looking forward to lunch next Saturday. When I am at my most stressed I simply go and “earth myself” by putting my hands in the soil, or walking barefoot in the garden. Sometimes when a garden wasn’t available a pot plant would suffice. The clay soothes me.
The thinking out loud thing is inspiring. Sometimes I wish I could free myself up to do it more because often for me bloggging is so much about presenting polished thoughts and work that’s gone on elsewhere. The times when I’ve allowed myself to think out loud have been productive in a way I didn’t realise they would be and I know i’d like to do it more, to be a little (just a little) more raw in a public space.
Thanks for your thoughts.
You have to do what you are most comfortable Bells. I understand what you are saying though. I also still leave a lot of things unsaid, I don’t talk about my husband or son other than in the most general of terms because I am conscious of breaching their privacy.
oh yes that makes sense. I suppose I didn’t mean necessarily being more revealing or open in that sense (my husband also is pretty happy to be mentioned only in the most vague terms) but perhaps being willing to arrive at the blog a little less polished. I think sometimes a little more immediacy of thought or willingness to just go with the flow might help me in other creative writing areas too.
Going with the flow is good. I write in the mornings, generally from about 5.30 am -8.30 that is my dedicated internet/blog time. It is also when the words and thoughts are “fresh” in my head. I need to be disciplined with the blog and write first thing otherwise I answer emails and read blog posts and lose my train of thought.
Of an evening the writing just doesn’t happen as I am tired and just tend to faff about yakking on twitter and “spying” on facebook.
Hi Kim, What a good idea…will your angel be a garden angel? I can’t wait to see it!
Thanks Janet 🙂 Yes, she will be a garden Angel. I will have to make her in sections as she will be too big for the kiln. I will take lots of photos.