I have been getting increasingly annoyed with the level of spam that I have been bombarded with lately. So I thought I would republish a post I originally published in 2008.
Let’s talk about sex.
My spam emails have been giving me a bit of a giggle lately. I have been intrigued by catchy little lines like this gem:-
MALE FEATURE WORTHY OF CASANOVA!
Of course I then opened the email to read this. “Don’t you want to spend your life suffering from your moderate love luger?”
Well no actually, I don’t and more to the point, how exactly does one suffer from a moderate love luger hmmm?
Then there was this, “Love tool deserving of a titan” with the following promise.
“You’ll cause her eyebrows to raise, when you pull out your newly upgraded love gun!”
I think I would do more than raise my eyebrows if The Spouse’s penis had suddenly turned into a gun.
Another reference to a ‘love luger’ promised, “As it grows longer, she will beg of you to penetrate her flower!”
Ok, so if I am not mistaken, penises are guns, whilst vaginas are pretty flowers.
So now I can just casually mention to The Spouse that my flower needs shooting, and I don’t even need to say the word sex anymore. I could even yell it out loudly in public, “Jeffreeey shoot my flower” and casual passers by would just think that I was having issues with the roses.
I just raced out to the shed, camera in hand and demanded that Jeffrey shoot my flower.
Here is his reaction.
Yes, he is looking at me like I am a total nutter.
Rightio now back to the emails.
Then we have the miracle cures. Add 2 inches to your dick size easily with just 2 pills of our formula per day.
At least this one called a penis a dick, I was getting a bit tired of lugers.
There were promises of permanent huge enlargements of your erect penis. Wouldn’t you get a bit tired with a permanently erect penis even if it was huge? Well it would be fun initially but I am sure that it would be a bit of a nuisance after a while and if the penis is as large as these miracle pills promise, well then there is a very real danger of slamming your penis in the car door or schwacking it accidentally or even *gasp* receiving a black eye from your own penis.
Phew I am glad I only have a flower.
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Bahahaha……put your gun away Geoffrey! LOL
Don’t take you gun to town son, leave your gun at home.
Lol. Don’t you just love this kind of spam? A ‘luger’. Really?
Your Jeffrey’s smile is lovely. 🙂
Thank you Melissa, it is a terrible photo of him, but I really did run out into his shed and yell, Shoot my Flower really loudly at him and then I quickly snapped the photo with my little point and shoot.
Your man has a lovely smile, twinkly eyes. I am actually a bit jealous I don’t get this kind of spam at all. Umm actually not on googlemail but popped into aol mail and there is loads. I don’t read it though don’t have the gumption as I am an anxious ridden peri=menopausal old hag right now and therefore convinced if I open them my laptop will explode so just hit the spam button and they fly off into cyberspace somewhere. My husband being a gardener if I yelled this at him would just think I was mad, not being able to explain the context obviously as he doesn’t know about my blogging or my not blogging as I just comment really not blog as you know, anyhow he would probably just think I was nagging him to do something in our very very decrepid garden. Sometime I wonder if I paid him whether his eyes would light up and magic would happen. Now if there was a viagra for getting the other half to ‘do stuff’ in the house and outside I would definitely open that spam. Thank you for this post it made me laugh.
I am pleased I made you laugh Achelois.
‘…..the photo with my little point and shoot.’ See you do need a luger enlarger so you have a BIG point and shoot.
Sorry about that, I couldn’t resist. It amazes me how many of these spamadds are clogging the cyberverse. And presumably they do get takers. Now that is a scary concept. I have missed the flower ones – and does that as a dedicated gardener make me sex obsessed. A bit of a worry that.
Oh dear, hehe. You will never look at the roses in the same way again.
Hahahaha reminds me of a friend of my Husband’s who took viagra before he went to visit his girlfriend….. got there and it wasn’t working so went home – both dejected – and then 2 hours later had the most massive …….. and she had gone to bed and wasn’t interested in having him over again!! Apparently unattended massive ……… stimulated by viagra are very painful!!!
Ouch! Poor bloke.
When I was in Marine Corps Boot Camp back in 1962, Drill Instructors would take issue with those of us who might accidentally refer to our rifles as ‘guns’.
We would be made to stand outside the barracks, holding the rifle above our head in one hand, while grabbing crotch with the other. We would be required to repeat repeatedly,
“This is my rifle.
This is my gun.
This one’s for fighting.
This one’s for fun.”
hehehe I bet you never got the two confused again Lou 🙂
Wellllll… my spam is not as interesting as yours. I don’t know how one can “upgrade,” but um, ok, that’s a very interesting idea and thank youuu for sharing. WHY do these people think you want their “product” anywayy?
I have no idea Mrs C, no idea at all.
I have to admit, I had to look up what a luger was! Oh gosh?!!
See Jientje my blog is educational lol
My spammers just want me to send them money.
Not happening boys!!
Many years ago, I was shown a picture in one of “those” magazines of a naked man with a surgically extended “luger” hanging almost to his knees. He was looking really proud and happy with his equipment, but we had a huge laugh and wondered just where the heck he thought he was going to use it. No woman I know would be big enough (deep enough?) to accomodate such a thing.
There was a good British documentary about blokes and their penises on SBS a few years ago and this bloke had a huge penis, he said it was terrible because once the girls saw his penis they wouldnt have sex with him at all.
I don’t think he’s looking at you like you’re a nutter, I think he’s saying “oh yeah baby”. It’s all in the eyes. Do you know what’s really scary? People must buy this stuff, they are making money from it! That, my friend, is just nuts. Also, you’re never going to be able to mention flowers innocently on the net again. You might have even ruined flowers for all of us. I hope you’re happy young lady.
xxxxxx
Your comment made me extremely happy Ali. So happy in fact that the next time I see you on twitter I think I will have to start a conversation about gardening. 😉
I very rarely laugh out loud when reading blog posts. I will silently giggle because I’m emotionally stunted or something. But imagining you flouncing down the street shouting “Jeffreeey shoot my flower” has me cacking myself.