That is how I feel. I feel like I am stuck and unable to gain any momentum.
I haven’t made any new work in over two weeks.
There is an exhibition coming up that I am quite looking forward to but as for making the work for it, I have been reading instead.
I haven’t made any bread and butter stuff for the Off Centre either and the studio is just too far away. My book is closer.
The industrial strength laxative I took last week as preparation for the colonoscopy made me ill for days. Great waves of nausea that saw me take a bucket to bed, also gave me a small insight into how my daughter feels on a daily basis. I take a small measure of comfort from the fact that my GP told me that if it was cancer I would surely be dead by now.
So there is that at least.
The blogosphere is giving me the shits, with a cowardly anonymous commenter on my daughters blog turning out to be someone we know. A sycophant of the first order, too weak to own her own words. An asshat who thinks that whispers are the way and taints her friends so that I cant be bothered with any of them, or their high school antics.
I am mired and I am also angry.
It wasn’t until I started to cry in a meeting yesterday, that I realised what was wrong with me.
It is grief.
Grief.
That raging weight of missing, of a hole that is too huge to be filled, the pain of the overwhelming emptiness and the endless if onlys.
I am trying to board up my grief with planks of anger and as the fury rises the creativity recedes.
And I am left with nothing but ashes.
My mothers ashes in a box on my shelf.
I take them down occasionally and shake them and whisper hello.
April was Mum’s month.
Easter and her birthday on the 11th all tied up with Mum’s zest for life, with her love of food and family.
April just exposes the giant hole in our lives where mum used to be and the anger bubbles away quietly under the surface.
April is coming and I am trying not to cry.
But sometimes internet, life is hard.
It is really really hard.
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(((hugs))) I hear ya xxx
Thank you Jayne 🙂
April. The saddest of all months here too. Sending so much love your way Kimmy xx
And as much love as I have, I send back to you Dear Tiff.
Yes. April is bad. I don’t even think June is as miserable as April, for me.
For me either, my golden girl. April is the worst month, April is the reminder of all that we have lost.
people can be arseholes, this I have realised over my 32 years alive. sure you get the really nice people but they are interspersed with the arseholes, I’m sure it’s the universes way of evening things up but i just call bullshit on that – I think everyone would be happy to have the nice without the arse! the only thing worse than an arsehole is an anonymous one. i have no problem with people disagreeing with me as long as they are brave enough to put their name to it, if not, don’t bother wasting your time because i don’t want to hear what you have to say – anonymously!
hugs for April, June & October are my tough months. i say cry, let it out into the universe, let it capture your tears and envelope you in warmth, you will be in my thoughts & I will be sending you much love & warmth your way this month.
~x~
Thank you lovely. I know that you have your own grief and so your love and warmth is doubly valued. Thank you
Many many gentle hugs.
Grief has no rhyme or rhythm or reason. It just hurts. I know.
Massive hugs
Thanks Pixie 🙂
Hugs. It is hard.
Thank you Marita, I feel better today. Writing it out of my system always makes me feel better 🙂
Yes. The world is full of asshats. But there are also wonderful bright shining stars like you and Veronica who make the asshats little and unimportant.
Hugs for you for April.
And shining stars like you as well Barbara.
I’m with stinkbomb. Go ahead and cry. Feel no shame in this, you miss your mum and crying is allowed.
The work will pick up again when the time is right.
Oh I do cry River. A lot 🙂 . But it is the crying in the middle of meetings that annoys me. I need to make something BIG. I should start working on the Angel Sculpture. xx
Oh Kim, wish I could give you a big old hug.
You just did. Thanks xxx
This post. It gives me pain in the chest.
My grandmother died on 1 April 2000 in a very dramatic way. It took me forever to reconcile with what happened. My mother has never gotten over it. I feel heavy about the yearly conversations, reinvestigations and grief.
And it is coming up. Fast. Again. I hope this year is better…
That hole is so huge and impossible for me to fill at times too, but we must keep on swimming through that pond of despair. Comfort yourself with the knowledge of her love for you and your beautiful family and try to remember something that she said that makes you smile when you think of it xx much love babe xx
Just hugs. X
Hugs for you!! I think the hardest thing is the grief that sneaks up on you, that just knocks you off your feet. I try to think of those moments as waves, and as wave subsides I’m able to get back on my feet again and plant myself a bit firmer in the ground again. Let the sun shine on your face, feel your mum smiling at you, and move again.
Can’t take the other stuff personally, this other person is telling you all about THEM and nothing about YOU. 🙂
Love and hugs.
I am sending you great hugs to comfort you.
When I picked up my father’s ashes (which are now buried far away in Michigan) we had a chat in my car… the first chat I’d been able to have with him in maybe 15 years. A real chat. Where I told him all about me… the me he never knew… or wanted to know. And I grieved for those missed conversations. There are still some days that I grieve for those missed conversations.
I also want you to know that I’m posting fun stuff on Sunday (rather Saturday night for me) that maybe will give you some inspiration…. and maybe… maybe you could make something special for your mum for her birthday so she didn’t have to just sit in a box, but could sit in something that would bring both of you some joy.
Yep. All of it. Love you.