I am far from okay but there isn’t a whole lot than anyone can do to make me better.
I also don’t see that anyone other than my very closest friend, asking me if I am okay are going to get a straight answer.
I will just lie and grin and say of course I am okay and then change the subject.
I am a brilliant actress.
RUOK is a wonderful concept but today it is giving me the shits.
Now before you start to get all upset with me and decide to lecture me about the ideas behing RUOK and all that jazz.
This post is about me. Not about you.
If you are going to get upset with me, just piss off quickly and don’t give me the shits ok.
I am stabby enough as it is.
I am not okay today.
Tomorow I will be better, maybe.
The day my mother told me she had a black spot in her lung was one of those defining points in my life.
Everything now is measured in befores and afters.
The day my daughter was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome was another defining point
As was the diagnosis of her two chilfdren with EDS and their subsequent diagnosis of Aspergers and Autism.
My husband has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
My son has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and suffers from anxiety.
These things are not okay.
These diagnosis dont bring sunshine and fucking roses into my life.
They bring despair.
Great fucking bucket loads of despair.
I am grieving.
I am grieving hard.
Lung cancer shouldnt have killed my Mother she was a non fucking smoker for fucksakes
My daughter shouldn’t have to struggle to brush her own hair.
She is 22 years old and can barely walk from one room to another.
Simply taking her children to the park exhausts her.
My son is 17 and is proving he is grown up by rebelling against everthing we have taught him.
He has moved out of home.
He has dropped out of year eleven.
He was stabbed behind the ear in a brawl. The wound was superficial. My fear manifested as anger.
And I gave my son another reason to push me away.
He has unfriended me on facebook because I pulled him up privately on a thuggish racist status update.
I am desperately afraid that his anxiety will get the better of him.
I watched a police car driving up my quiet country road the other day and I was convinced it was coming here to deliver me bad news.
I started to cry with relief when it drove on by.
I know that this stage will pass but it doesnt make it any easier.
I share snippets of my life here on this blog.
I was told that I should have a professional ceramics blog and leave all the personal rubbish out of it if I wanted to be taken seriously as an artist.
But I cant be bothered starting a new blog full of art wank and words and ideas that belong in a dusty book somewhere.
I use this blog to think out loud, to order my thoughts, my ceramics and my life are intertwined, as is the blog.
They all are a part of who I am.
Maybe RUOK has worked anyway
As I have cried and written my way through the shit that is in my head.
I am not okay today.
But I am feeling a tiny bit better, thank you for listening to me internet.
I will be okay tomorrow.
Because really what else is there to do but
Just keep swimming.