A very innocent title as well as a misleading one because I am going to write about my son, David.
David occasionally reads my blog and I have promised that I would never write anything about him that would be embarrassing. But he is 14 and sometimes just being seen in public with his Mother is enough to make him die of embarrassment. So I really don’t have any clear guidlines at the moment as to what constitutes embarrassment, from one day to the next.
Most of the time David and I have an easy cameraderie, I enjoy my Son’s company and we can, and do, talk about everything and anything. But at the end of the day I am his Mother and not his best friend.
This household is a benign dictatorshop, not a democracy. Even though we mostly operate under the terms of a negotiated ceasefire, hostilities still do break out.
I sometimes get so caught up in the ongoing guerrilla warfare that is Mother v Son, teenager v old person, relationship/ power struggle that I tend to occasionally forget that his Grandmother’s cancer is dissolving my Son’s soul.
The hardest thing that I have ever had to do was tell David, six days before his 14th birthday that his Grandmother had lung cancer. He had come home from school on a high. He had a great day and was looking forward to his birthday party on the weekend. My heart broke into a zillion pieces as I watched the news register on his face. I watched as all the goodness of that day faded away, to be replaced by a cold terror of the future. I could see all this on David’s face in the few seconds before he punched the kitchen wall and stormed outside to scream his anguish into the night..
But life goes on. As much as we want it to stop. Life,goes on.
Here we are eight months down the track just trying to carry on as usual..
Last night we were talking about school, David has been offered a place in an eight week mentorship programme with Nick McKim, the leader of the Tasmanian Greens. We were discussing various ways they might spend their time together, when the topic of Mum’s cancer came up.
I wish that I could remember the exact words that David used to articulate his pain because they were so beautiful. My son has the soul of a poet.
Mum has been giving some of her stuff away. She gave David a cast iron camp oven that he really, really likes. Last night the camp oven was the focus of David’s grief. He feels that by accepting Mum’s gifts he is being ghoulish and also by accepting her gift he is acknowledging her eventual death. I think, that David thinks, that he can prevent Mum’s death purely by the strength of his denial. My son is in a world of pain at the moment and it is breaking my heart..
I want to soothe him and tell him that everything will be all right and that there is no reason to be afraid of the future but of course I can’t do that. So I am going to take him into town today and together we will buy a punching bag..
I think that punching bag will see alot of work in the future…
Comments on this entry are closed.
I didn’t realise he was still so young. For some reason I thought he was closer to Veronica’s age. What a burden he is bearing at the moment. Thank God he can talk about it. I think the punching bag is a fantastic idea. I’m sure that even when words fail you, he still feels your love and support. How do you begin to deal with your own emotions, when you have to deal with everyone else’s as well? Love and prayers xo
Heh, thanks mum, I really need to be crying, just when I can’t get up to get a tissue.
xxx
Veronicas last blog post..Talking about echidnas again.
Ahh, darlin, your own fears and pain are eclipsed when you can’t fix your offspring’s.
witchypoos last blog post..Skinny Bitch Gets Hers
I really don’t know what to write….I felt unable to comment on your last post…gotta hate those blank pages….I am so sad for you all, what a heartbreaking time….I hope he gives the punchbag a good workout…and gets to go to his camp :o)
Sending massive hugs and lots of love from the other side of the world xx
Dughallmor Beagless last blog post..Skywatch Friday and Rosie Packs Her Bag
No words really. All I know is, from experience, if I were in David’s shoes, I might not realise it now, but in time I would be so grateful that you were my mum & the person you are.
You’ll be the one to bear the brunt of the moods and sulks and anger too, but you’ll be the one to get him through it.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Baby steps
Just love and hugs again from me. BG x
Bendy Girls last blog post..Dear Samuel,
A punching bag is a great idea. My older son had one to work off his rage at his dad during those tough years. The ones where his dad was cheating on me and everyone knew, even the kids, but I didn’t.
Oh, river, God bless you!!
We deal with that parent as dictator thing here as well. But I’m, like, paying the bills so I get to make the rules. Funny how that works.
I think the time to give away all that stuff is now so there aren’t fights later. AND, Nan will be happy being able to give the stuff herself.
My son “Patrick” tried to think of an innocent-sounding title for his blog. He thought about it for some time and finally came up with “Teenage Explorations.”
Yeah, we told him NO on that one.
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Did You Know This About Autism?
Aw, honey.
Most teenage boys seem to think that denial is a way to hide their feelings – and David has a HUGE thing to try to deny. My heart hurts for you all.
Rees last blog post..Kelley is going to hate me…
(((hugs))) to you both.
Jaynes last blog post..Something Something Sunday March Trivial First History with chocolate topping and sprinkles
big hugs to both of you..
i think the punching bag is a good idea..
thinking of you both..
I have been thinking about this comment for a while. I am really on the horns of a dilemma. If this is none of my business – if the comment is out of line, please feel free to delete it.
It’s a hard thing for a young man whose vision is clouded by raging hormones and whose outlook is colored by the angst of the adolescent becoming an adult, but he needs to get to the point where he realizes that what his Gran is going through isn’t about him – it’s about her. There will be sadness. There will be loss. It will not be the last loss he experiences in his life – it is the human condition. The idea here is to make the time he has left with his Gran as fulfilling and meaningful as possible. This time is HER time.
lceels last blog post..Bedtime Stories
Hugs Kim,
Long, heart felt hugs because I have nothing profound to say.
tiffs last blog post..Weekly Winners.
I think the punching bag is a wonderful idea! You are such a great mum… and it might take years for him to realize it.
“This household is a benign dictatorship, not a democracy. Even though we mostly operate under the terms of a negotiated ceasefire, hostilities still do break out.” That is a perfect gem of a description.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Sometimes I do it right….
Hugs to you and your son – teenagers are sometimes difficult at the best of times. Husband of a friend of mine also bought their daughter a punching bag during her teenage years – she had lots of emotional stress going on – she always said she was so grateful – strange gift for a girl but it worked.
Avrils last blog post..My first conversation with Connor …
It must be hard on him too.
I don’t know what to say. Hugs, Kim xxx
Jientjes last blog post..Weekly Winners, First Signs of Spring
Sometimes I see in a man a deeper pain than I have seen in any woman. The notion that men are stronger and braver and don’t have the feelings women do is so ironic. I think they feel and see more and have the ability to process it alone.
It’s really good that you can talk to him too, sometimes even a few words can make a big difference, his mind may be travelling at 100 mph.
I’m so sorry for all of you – this is hateful to have to go through. My grandmother had a stroke last year. She didn’t give anything away but she did say that if there was anything of hers that we particularly wanted we could take it now. That made me feel sick with fear for her and sadness but I could sort of see why she did it. If there was anything we wanted she still had the joy of being able to gift it to us.
The punchbag is a great idea. Not just for David’s use I hope.
Sorry to come to this so late, I’m on a catch up as my children have decided that sleep is for wimps. I can barely see straight let alone read and make sensible comments on peoples blogs. Forgive me if I’ve whittered.
Barbaras last blog post..63/365 – Weather
Hi Kim, I comment on veronica’s blog regularly and occasionally nip over to read yours and enjoy the amazing photos. Today is one of those days. My heart goes out to you all but maybe especially to David because at roughly the same age I had to tell my younger son that I had breast cancer. Four months late I had a chemo-induced stroke when he was still 2 months short of his 15th birthday. Three months after that my younger sister also got the same diagnosis but, even worse, died within a year, leaving behind four children aged 22, 15, 7 and 6. We can track his problems with mild depression since then and unfortunately worse was to follow when I was diagnosed again in 2006 when he was 21. Finally we arranged for him to see a counsellor (which he was not happy about) but it helped him. Talking to someone outside of the immediate family seemed to settle his mind a bit and he is much better these days and can even joke sometimes about this bloody illness. I am well now and expect to remain so today, tomorrow and next week, but he now understands there are no guarantees that I will make ‘old bones’ but also that it isn’t important that I do. What matters is the here and now. With your Mum you all know there is probably not a huge amount of time but there IS time, time to enjoy each other, time to store precious memories, time to love. For David this will all be so hard but, with help, he can learn to accept it and even take some positives from it. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to, I often ‘chat’ to Veronica.
oops, just to prove the stroke damaged my brain, where I typed ’15th birthday’, it should read ’13th’. Hence the reluctance for any more chemo…!