As humans we like to judge. We apply our own experiences and moral compass to situations and make snap judgements.
Sometimes I read a post written by my daughter and it breaks my heart because the pain in her words is the only clue that I have to the pain in her heart.
Other times I will read a post written by Veronica and I know that it was written purely to get the words out of her head, to give a tiny glimpse into how difficult parts of her life are.
Amy is an exceedingly difficult and tempestuous child to parent. She stretches and challenges every single one of Veronica’s parenting skills every single moment of every day.
It is very nearly impossible to get Amy to do something that she doesn’t want to. It isn’t because she is naughty or because she has pulled the wool over her mothers eyes.It certainly isn’t because Veronica is lacking some vital parenting skill. It is because Amy is so focused on doing what she wants to do in that moment, that nothing else registers. Some of the parenting advice that Veronica receives makes me shake my head and roll my eyes with frustration.
I have impeccable parenting skills. My ability to get small and not so small children to behave is legendary. I am also very good with dogs and horses. But with my grand daughter Amy I am at a loss. So I don’t bother with traditional discipline at all. We skirt issues and avoid situations and I use distraction as my main tool.
We do the same things every single time Amy comes to visit. We check for eggs, then together we cook Amy an egg. We paint a picture or two, play with some clay, watch a bit of telly together or read some books and then we go outside and throw the ball for the dog.
When Amy was still eating gluten we would do all these things at a frenetic pace and at the end of her visit the house would be trashed and I would be exhausted. Minus the gluten we are still very busy together and Amy isn’t quite so exhausting.
Veronica and I have been talking about Aspergers and Amy, we have been talking about how there is a very real possibility that Amy has Aspergers. Now that the A word is out in the open I can look at Amy’s behaviour with fresh eyes. Veronica and I are noticing more and more things that Amy does and more importantly we are noticing things that Amy doesn’t do.
So the next time you see a small child running amok in the supermarket or having a tantrum in the middle of a shopping centre don’t be so quick to judge, to shake your head, to glare at the obviously incompetent parent. And as for the whispered advice that all the child needs is a bit of discipline, a good smack will fix her.You can keep that under your hat as well.
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I wish people were more understanding of public tantrums. A knowing smile goes a lot further than a judgmental glare.
I don’t believe in smacking as a discipline method, so I can only imagine what those judgmental glares would turn into if people knew that!
I’m sure Veronica must get some real doozies of comments about her extraordinary challenges with Amy. I think one of the perils about writing about your parenting difficulties is people make the mistake of thinking you want advice, or someone else to fix it, or tell you what you are doing wrong. When in fact, mostly you just want to blurt it out and get it out of your body and mind for a bit.
When I was a young pup I worked in a bank and had a very enlightened manager. He taught us that instead of getting angry with the mum with screaming toddler in the queue, we should be as nice as possible to her. His simple reasoning was that he guaranteed that there would be nobody in the room as distressed, tired, frustrated or embarrassed as that parent at the time. I’ve never forgotten and have had patience in this situation ever since.
I was behind a man and his 2 yr old at the checkout a couple of weeks ago as she was going absolutely ear-shatteringly ballistic. He apologised to me, but as I said to him, I’m sure we’re surrounded by poorly behaved adults that just happen to know not to be as vocal about it.
I got down to her level and asked her if she knew why I was being so nice and quiet. Through her tears she shook her head. I gently explained that daddy was going to give me her tic-tacs because I’d been such a good boy.
Bribery – yes. Horrible trick – yes. Against all rules – probably. Always effective – I’m not that silly. Calm little girl – for five minutes at least. Relieved dad – thought he was going to kiss me.
Doesn’t relate to Amy’s situation, but just wanted to share. Keep strong, hope you all find some answers.
I so totally get what you are saying. You have read of my nearly adult son perhaps on Veronica’s blog maybe. My husband little. Now I think the A word definitately applies to the latter & a myriad of other words to be honest including stubborn with a big fat S. Although because of his age and lack of compliance never diagnosed with diddly squat. ROUTINE is just one of his things. Try going on holiday with someone who tries to apply the same routines when in a different place, challenging to say the least. I spent a happy morning in a reading room in Glastonbury while he drove miles to try and find the ‘same’ radio he had forgotten, to listen to the ‘same’ programmes at the ‘same’ time. Now he was a man obsessed, was I irritated yes big time but no amount of angst on my behalf will ever change him. I have just been shouted and shouted at for changing something that must NOT be changed. He tantrums man style, he walks out of supermarkets because he is bored! He thinks he doesn’t tantrum but he does. Sometimes his behaviour can actually be really hurtful although he can never see that it is. I love him I think because of his quirky views on life, the universe and everything but this does not mean he is in any way easy to live with. One of the reasons I don’t write of living with him much on my blog is probably because I would be enraged at well meaning totally useless advice on how to ‘manage my man’…. so with well meaning advice on the parenting front its all a load of &*&% really. Some of the comments make my blood boil over. I bet mine however hard I try not to be a patronising old git do it to Veronica as well.
But believe me I do totally get what you are saying and for the record what shines through to me is that Veronica is a brilliant, caring, loving young mum who should be applauded. The thing is with a child such as amy I think that despite the challenges because of them she is I have no doubt the most utterly adorable if on occassion somewhat exasperating little lady.
I will admit though on the Grandmother front is that its good because I get give him back when I am all tired out! I have mine to stay tomorrow again and last week I admit I went to bed for a very long time after I had kissed him goodbye. On the bedtime thing by the way I confess, he gets to stay up as late as he likes when he comes here. A grandmother’s priviledge I reckon he he…. there is no rule book for parenting is there although I think for some there obviously is!
Once again my comment is way too long, I’m sorry. I just really do have to get it all out don’t I!
Well, if Veronica were just a more consistent parent, she’d just have no trouble at all.
*snort* ahhhh… I just wanted to be the one saying that for a change. Wish y’all could pop by for a visit and we could compare notes. Hugs to ya! 🙂
I have been lurking more than not on Veronica’s site – yours too, for that matter – one of the curses of “Google Reader”, I suppose. I so feel for her – and her pain. That said, if you think it’s Asperger’s Syndrome in Amy, then I may be able to help. No – I can’t make her ‘better’ or different, but I CAN offer you the voice of experience – our #3 boy is an Asperger’s child – although at 19 and in college, he’s really not much of a ‘child’ anymore.
Half the issue facing the parents of Asperger’s kids, is Understanding where the behaviours come from – and recognizing, in ourselves, methods for accommodating those behaviours.
You and your daughter/family are the best people for Amy to have been born too. My husband has Aspergers, and his childhood and youth years were just so many trauma’s one after another. She’ll be OK and you and Veronica are going to be instrumental in that. 🙂
I can imagine the kind of comments *rolls eyes*, been there, done that, wish they’d change the record cos it’s real boring now 😉
Distraction is a wonderful tool to use with determined children. My younger son used to have the most appalling tantrums and I would do as much as possible to avoid them. Your child not only screaming blue murder but also banging his head on the floor or a handy wall is not an edifying sight. One of the best ways was to spot the oncoming storm and divert it away, all without rewarding bad behaviour. Didn’t work all of the time but it got us both out of some potentially terrible situations. I’m sure the E.I. services will have lots of ideas to for Veronica to help modify Amy’s current patterns and that slowly things will improve.
xox
I have to confess that I used to know nothing, NOTHING, about Aspergers and very little about Autism. But even back then if I heard a child tantrumming or running amok in a shop or anywhere, I just assumed the child was perhaps a little overtired or hungry, maybe a little afraid of a possibly new experience.
Now, of course, having read so many posts on these issues in the last few years, I know quite a bit more. Now when I hear a racket coming from the aisles I’ll often think, someone’s a little overwhelmed today.
The internet has certainly opened my eyes to the problems faced by so many parents, and it’s made me so much more grateful that I had easy kids, because I know for sure I couldn’t cope with anything else. my hat goes off to Veronica and all the other mums I read who deal with these problems all day,every day.
As someone with a lot of friends who have kids with behavioral problems, autism and the like, even I find it hard not to shake my head when I see kids running around and “misbehaving” in public. It’s like there’s this subconscious, judgy part of my brain that jumps into action before the knows-better part can start to work. I really wish it would stop because I know how it feels to be judged by other parents and I dont want to do it back.
I read something recently regarding Aspergers – if you think your child has Aspergers, you are probably right..
I always knew, deep down but I thought he might ‘grow out’ of the quirks. Some of them he did, but they were replaced my new ‘things’. Actually some of them are REALLY COOL.
A diagnosis is something that is really important – especially when it comes to funding and accessing help from those you don’t have to explain too much or excuse behaviour. They can unlock and help you understand so much. Yes it’s frustrating at times, but also fascinating!
If there is a Aspy/Austism dx, there is a ‘family’ out here waiting xoxoxo
There’s nothing like an ear piercing scream from a 16 year old autistic boy who’s not getting what he wants (and can’t comprehend why) to make people glare at you and/or back away. It’s been lovely having my brother’s family here and I learned a lot about what they have to manage. Nothing like first hand experience to develop a little more empathy! You guys will be fine and so will Amy. X
Oh I feel you. Veronica is an awesome mum. I jsut know she is. Amy is an awesome kid that needs to be parented in her own individual way – because she is an individual. My eldest was (is) just such a child. There are times when
parenting any child where you just need to vent. There are times when you are at a loss for what to do. There are times when you just have to hang on for the ride. I’m glad she has you to tell her that she’s doing a great job and to ignore anyone who implies that she isn’t.
xx
I am new to realizing your connection to Veronica and am learning about your struggles with Amy. Last week when I read about her sensory processing issues, I wondered about Asperger’s because the two are closely related but I didn’t say anything because this is such a personal journey your family is on. Strength and good wishes for you as you navigate through this challenging time of diagnosis, etc.
Remember that not everyone who looks at the tantruming child in the store is judging. It may just be that we have been there with our own high needs child and wish that we could give support in some way other than a kind look. Unfortunately, the kind look isn’t always received or noticed.
I feel for you all. It’s difficult to have a child with an abstract personality. I truly believe that it will only benefit them in adulthood, though. The tricky part is making it through these growing years ourselves…
I’m usually too worried about my own tantrums (and sometimes my children’s) to worry about other peoples.
The last time someone (a complete stranger) offered me parenting advice I offered to let her have the kids to try it out on. She muttered something dark and sloped off. I found it very liberating. The kids weren’t too impressed though.
:: tears in my eyes::
Thank you for getting it. So many don’t, they just see naughty and can’t get past their own preconceptions, it makes the hard, harder. So Thank You.