Or at least they do when I come home and tell “The Spouse” about them.
Confused? Let me explain.
I have nearly finished a very short introduction to sculpture class. For the final component of this unit I need to make a sculpture out of cardboard. I have not been looking forward to the construction stage of this project at all, because I need to measure very accurately and be very precise.
Notice those keywords? Accuracy and precision?
Look how sharp and stabby those words are.
Anyway.
Yesterday I began to construct my sculpture.
Three times I measured the line I needed to cut, very carefully, super carefully in fact.
I was being accurate.
I drew a guideline on the cardboard.
I was being precise.
I had a straight edge to guide the Stanley knife.
I was being accurate and precise at the same time.
I was ready to create a freaking masterpiece, people.
But somehow I managed to cut a very, very crooked line.
Twice.
*sigh*
I am some sort of a crooked legend I am sure.
On my second attempt another student came over and gave me some help. Lelle showed me the guidelines on the cardboard which would help me keep my straight lines even straighter. I measured again, I even drew tiny little fucking dots spaced about two inches apart on those faint guidelines to make doubly and triply sure.
I spent ages being accurate and precise.
Again.
It looked straight to me. It looked like the beginning of a masterpiece
But it wasn’t.
*sigh*
Lelle checked my lines for me and they were crooked. What the fuck? So Lelle scored a line in the cardboard for me to follow, which by the way looked a bit wonky to my eye.
I stared at that fucking cardboard for about 15 minutes trying to beat it into submission with the power of my mind.
Finally I was ready to cut that fucker in half.
Yay! It was straight.
I was exhausted.
And I still had heaps more bits to make.
When I came home and was describing my cutting adventures to the spouse, I was being overly dramatic as is my wont and waving my arms about describing how only I, “Kimmy the Magnificent, Queen of the crooked” could turn a completely straight line into a curve.
And as I was turning the days frustrations into nothing more than a humourous little anecdote, I started to cry.
Just a little cry.
Straight lines are hard.
Accuracy and precision are overrated.
Cardboard is horrible
But.
I have brought a piece of cardboard home with me and”The Spouse” has said he will help me with some of the engineering design details. I will work in my studio on a table at a proper Kimmy height and I will make straight lines even if it fucking well kills me.
Either that or I will go to plan B and I will make a woven cardboard ball and glue the fucker into submission.
Stay tuned…
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You’re one of my peeps now. I, who can’t draw a straight line with a ruler, most definitely can’t cut one. It’s a bit of a joke in my family (well, with Joel, anyway). Hence, he does all of the book covering, gift wrapping and anything that requires a straight line cut. Sucker.
I LOVE straight lines. It’s the OCD in me. I’m just utterly incapable of creating one.
I love photographing lines and angles, I have hundreds and hundred of photos of all these gorgeous lines But I cant seem to make one myself. When I told the spouse about my days adventures he just hugged me and said
“but Kimmy you have never made a straight anything in your life”.
And Veronica said
“You don’t think in straight lines Mum.”
They both made me feel much better 🙂
You may have cried, but you have put a smile into my morning as I can see exactly how you would have been waving your arms around and telling the story 🙂
And straight is so over-rated 🙂
It was only a very little cry Amanda, probably only about three tears all up, maybe four.
And yes I was gesticulating madly as I was describing how my very precise and accurate measuring went astray 🙂
I am so with you. I can appreciate the beauty of straight lines (sometimes) but cannot create one. And my hands shake which makes it harder. Sigh.
I think my brain shakes. I think my brain does a little shimmy and a bit of a wiggle and says, “I am out of here” at the mere mention of straight lines, precision and accuracy.
I too cannot draw or cut straight lines, I was cutting out pentagons the other day for the girl I nanny to glue onto paper and I have to say they are some pretty jacked up pentagons, my mom normally cuts things for me then end up better that way.
There seem to be rather a lot of us about Megan. I normally get The Spouse to do any precision work for me as he loves his tape measure 🙂
I take it you hate not being able to do stuff….. don’t cry, laugh. Whose idea was it that it had to be straight anyhow. Let other half do it and you can take the glory.
If this was me, I would give it a go and argue strongly that it looked bloody straight to me. But then the only area I am a perfectionist in is in my mind. You could always get the flu for this bit of the course. But then you are not the givy uppy type I think. I am so sorry that it makes your brain shake Kim it made me laugh but then I am not trying to cut cardboard in stupid straight lines……
Not being instantly proficient at something shits me up the wall Achelois. I turned my wonky cutting and measuring into a joke in the studio but you are right it did annoy me very much.
Measuring and straight lines make me think too hard and my brain rebels and wanders off elsewhere. I also tend to over complicate things. Jeff is going to help me with my prototype model thingy here at home and then next week I will have a whole day to make the real thing using only cardboard and glue.
I am pleased I made you smile. You always make me smile xox
Straight lines are evil and the playground of uber-soul-sucking unimaginative critters who live to hold clipboards and tote up long lists of numbers whilst frowning, hmphing in disgust, tapping their foot and frequently looking at their watch.
YES, yes and yes. Hallelujah Sistah
You told this story with precision and accuracy – and gave me a hell of a laugh to boot – toot straight you did!!!
Hehe Thank you my sweeting, Story telling is one of my strengths as you well know. I am sure you did my geometry for me in high school so if I wanted to be pedantic I could blame you for my current troubles?
Heck, I have to cut cardboard every day and have YET to cut a straight line. My hands shake, my brain shimmies, and it is just an epic fail all the way around. If nothing else, know you are in good company, love. 🙂
We should start a support group and have giant cardboard bonfires.
I can’t cut straight either. I can draw the lines straight, measure accurately, then cut an angle instead. Like an open ended cardboard box sagging to one side. Hey, maybe you could make one of those!
Cardboard is only good for packing things in, then a bonfire after you’ve moved….
(I’ve just finished packing box #24)
Crooked cutters of the world unite!
Packing sucks.
You will have to email me your new address 🙂 xox
Is there a rule that you can’t use a straight edge to cut against, or does it all have to be free hand?
I couldn’t make a straight line freehand to save my life, which is why I use a large square, ruler, level and make my line then cut against that, using it like a guide along my line. Works like a charm every time.
I don’t think in straight lines either. Life isn’t straight lines. Life is wavy and curvy and messed up. That’s why I use the level. lol
I was using a straight edge Liz, that is why it was so frustrating.
It might be a little late now, but the secret to cutting a straight line in cardboard is not to try and cut it in one pass. The secret is to use a series of light cuts until you cut through. If you try and put pressure on the blade to cut in one pass, the pressure will push the blade off the straight line, cutting edge or not. My bookbinding teacher taught me that many years ago when I was cutting board for book covers. Hope this helps.
It isn’t too late at all Joan as I still have next weeks class to finish my construction. Thank you for this tip, I will try it and see how I go.
Two words to strike fear in your heart…Patch. Work. 🙂