I am far from okay but there isn’t a whole lot than anyone can do to make me better.
I also don’t see that anyone other than my very closest friend, asking me if I am okay are going to get a straight answer.
I will just lie and grin and say of course I am okay and then change the subject.
I am a brilliant actress.
RUOK is a wonderful concept but today it is giving me the shits.
Now before you start to get all upset with me and decide to lecture me about the ideas behing RUOK and all that jazz.
This post is about me. Not about you.
If you are going to get upset with me, just piss off quickly and don’t give me the shits ok.
I am stabby enough as it is.
I am not okay today.
Tomorow I will be better, maybe.
The day my mother told me she had a black spot in her lung was one of those defining points in my life.
Everything now is measured in befores and afters.
The day my daughter was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome was another defining point
As was the diagnosis of her two chilfdren with EDS and their subsequent diagnosis of Aspergers and Autism.
My husband has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
My son has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and suffers from anxiety.
These things are not okay.
These diagnosis dont bring sunshine and fucking roses into my life.
They bring despair.
Great fucking bucket loads of despair.
I am grieving.
I am grieving hard.
Lung cancer shouldnt have killed my Mother she was a non fucking smoker for fucksakes
My daughter shouldn’t have to struggle to brush her own hair.
She is 22 years old and can barely walk from one room to another.
Simply taking her children to the park exhausts her.
This sucks.
My son is 17 and is proving he is grown up by rebelling against everthing we have taught him.
He has moved out of home.
He has dropped out of year eleven.
He was stabbed behind the ear in a brawl. The wound was superficial. My fear manifested as anger.
And I gave my son another reason to push me away.
He has unfriended me on facebook because I pulled him up privately on a thuggish racist status update.
I am desperately afraid that his anxiety will get the better of him.
I watched a police car driving up my quiet country road the other day and I was convinced it was coming here to deliver me bad news.
I started to cry with relief when it drove on by.
I know that this stage will pass but it doesnt make it any easier.
I share snippets of my life here on this blog.
Tiny slices.
I was told that I should have a professional ceramics blog and leave all the personal rubbish out of it if I wanted to be taken seriously as an artist.
But I cant be bothered starting a new blog full of art wank and words and ideas that belong in a dusty book somewhere.
I use this blog to think out loud, to order my thoughts, my ceramics and my life are intertwined, as is the blog.
They all are a part of who I am.
Maybe RUOK has worked anyway
As I have cried and written my way through the shit that is in my head.
I am not okay today.
But I am feeling a tiny bit better, thank you for listening to me internet.
I will be okay tomorrow.
Because really what else is there to do but
Just keep swimming.
Comments on this entry are closed.
I am glad getting it out helps a little, Kim, as I certainly know the dangers of keeping things locked up. Not that I’ver ever stopped doing it.
I am having some issues with RUOK too. I am seeing so many people who are not okay right now, and asking them how they are is not enough. I am offering my ears and shoulders to any that I can meet in person. It’s a start. I wish there was more. There are some online friends I really want to find some way to help right now and I just don’t know where to start. Asking if someone is okay is fine, but if they are not, what are we going to do about it?
That is the thing Amanda, it is okay to ask someone if they are okay but you have to be genuinely interested in the answer to do any good.
Good ol’ Dori. Here and listening and sympathizing. Being asked if you’re okay by people who don’t know jack about you is obnoxious and tiresome; what can you really tell them, after all? I’m glad you’re writing, though—and whoever said you should separate your personal blog and your artwork can piss off.
hehe
I know I can’t do much but just to say I’ve read this and I hear you. I’m sorry that you’re drowning under all that crap. I hope you will find better days ahead.
I was better once I had written it out of my system Veronica. Thankyou. It is a lovely spring day today and I am about to go and make some dead dolphin plates.
Hi Kim. I’m sorry you are feeling like this today (or any day in fact). I’m sorry that life as dealt you some difficult cards to play. I’m glad you can write about it, and I’m glad you don’t feel like you have to justify using your blog for you rather than for purely ‘professional’ reasons. People don’t buy art, they invest in the artist and the story behind the art. Your stories belong out here, definitely not in a dusty old book.
Laney
Thank you Laney. And yes it is true. I have a woman who buys my cups because card had my frog ponds rock name on it and her daughter is a herpetologist. It was nice to meet her and chat about the cups she bought to send to her daughter. And anyway I will never be a “proper artist” I give too much of my work away for nothing lol.
I so wish that you are okay today but you’re not. I won’t offer sympathy; it doesn’t work. I won’t patronise you & say “I know how you feel.” It’s the most insulting comment ever when you’re not running well. Perhaps it’s time to stop the act when someone like Hugh Jackman appear with a coffee and asks if you’re okay. Tell him you’re NOT! It’s not what people want to hear but believe me, keeping up the act by lying adds to your woes until you explode.
Telling the truth, as harsh as it may be, is so much better for you. The blood pressure & pulse drops, your Serotonin & Noradrenaline gets a chance to do what it’s meant to.
You’ve just written your woes for the world to see. I’d guarantee that you’re feeling a wee bit better already. Don’t worry about the tossers that tell you to “snap out of it.” That’s akin to being told to walk off a broken leg.
I wrote a brief blog when I had the flu as I had no-one around. This halfwit then responded with an entry bigger than the blog, rabbiting on about narcicissm. (? spelling). Their ego was obviously light years ahead of their I.Q.
BTW…parts of this particular entry of yours sound a lot like parts of some of mine. Straight to the point. You’ve got the insight and as you say, this ‘thing’ will pass. They always do. 🙂 xxoo
They certainly do Bob and of course once I had written it out of my system and had a good cry for my Mother I felt a lot better. I am an optimist with an easy going nature so I don’t do morose very well. This post was a brain dump. It worked.
I sort of sussed that. Working ing in Psych for many years & Counselling tend to make ‘objectifying’ things easier…..for other people, anyway. I’m glad that all is now well. I knew it would be. I also know that you’re no good at morose. Neither am I. I also know that you know yourself extremely well & aren’t afraid to say so. We seem to have rather a lot in common. A pleasant rarity….for me, anyway 🙂
Now….That’ll be $120.00 & I don’t bulk bill. Waaahahahahaaaa!!! 🙂 xxoo
I hear you! I know I am a stranger but your blog resonates with me big time.
Thankyou 🙂 I know that you know where I am coming from regarding the joys of teenagers.
Kim, I haven’t been here to read you in ages but I just followed a link from twitter and I’m glad I did. I’ve hardly read any blogs at all, lately. I am not ok either. At all. Thanks for this post. I’m so glad the police car kept driving .. I hope your son keeps himself safe.
-eden
Thanks Eden. As soon as I saw the cop car I had this weight on my soul. The relief that I felt when it kept on driving was quite intense. You and I, we can be not okay together.
I’m here. I’m listening. I hope tomorrow is better for you.
it is 🙂
I read your tweet about your son yesterday (or was it a FB status?) and felt terrible for you. My parents went through that with my younger brother. And I remember everytime I heard of petty crimes on the radio (in his area) or saw a police car, we always had those same thoughts.
I’ve just gotten off the phone with my Dad. I don’t have EDS, but you may know from V that I have similar health issues and have Bipolar, severe depression and anxiety etc. And today, he’s angry. He’s angry and sad and frustrated. And I know it’s not at me, but at the situation. It’s hard for him to watch me go through this and be so helpless to stop it. He’s sad about the fact that we are about to have our second child assessed for ASD (our eldest is autistic). He’s not ok today either.
I’m sorry today is a bad day. I hope tomorrow is a better one, at least a little.
There’s a part of me that thinks that as wonderful as the RUOK movement is, it is hard for some of us. In talking so honestly about it for the past month, I’ve noticed myself sliding. IN being so determined to be honest and open and share my experiences, I’m spiralling. I know that isn’t the fault of the RUOK movement, but I don’t think I”m the only one experiencing this.
Anyway, I’m not sure why I dumped that. I really did just want to say I’m sorry today is bad.
When Isaac was diagnosed with Autism it was like a light had been switched off. He was our golden child. Our normal happy smiley child. Our easy boy. When Isaac started to regress and lose his language it was very hard. Too hard to explain really. So I understand where your dad and you are coming from.
Today is a better day. thankyou for sharing 🙂
We’re listening. And we care. And you can be whatever you need to be. So cry, say fuck a lot, scream, whatever.
hugs
🙂 Thanks Liz
I have been thinking the same about the RUOK thing.
Glad the police car kept driving on by!
I know what you mean Amy, but what binds us together is that we give a shit and we care.
I tell you some days I see an ambulance I just hope they are coming for me to give me a break. xxx
Yes.
Hugs my friend
thank you
*sigh*
I have some similar but not the same issues. And there is only so much you can share online, only so wide your inner circle stretches. At the same time, ya just can’t be fakey-fakey, either. I know you well enough for that. Your artwork and your emotions, your life and how you feel about things are all intertwined. And how many artists weren’t famous or noteworthy for years and years and years?
Listening when/if you are ever ready to say more.
hehe I dont think I want to be famous C, I want to be recognised as good at what I do. And yes my friend I know that you know some of what I am talking about. Love xx
If it helps – my daughter left home at 16, got in with the “wrong crowd” and I had six months of crying and wondering how she was as she had cut me off.
A friend said to me that my daughter would be okay because there had been sixteen years of input from me instilled in her brain. My ethics, beliefs, compassion etc.
As it turns out she was right, thank goodness. The crowd (true to form) stole all my daughter’s stuff and chucked her out. The phone call asking if she could come home was a joy.
We sorted everything out and she went on to get a job and be good at it, have a child and I think she’s a better mother than me and now finally she’s with a man she loves and has taken on his two boys aswell. Plus moved into the aged care sector for work.
You will get through this but it’s total shit when it’s happening. My thoughts go to you.
Jan
It helps heaps Jan that you took the time to write this to me. Thank you. I know that David is a good boy and will grow into a good man. But Jeez it is hard right now. I think that is where the missing of mum comes into it at the moment because I was a seriously self centred and rebellious teenager. Mum cursed me when I was 15, I had pushed her too far and she slapped my face and told me that one day she wished I had a child just like me. David is that child. He is so like me. I think I just want Mum’s reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
I am so so sorry that you are not OK. And how could you be, under the weight of things you are carrying. I am also really glad that you released some of them into the blogosphere.
I have rewritten my RU OK post so many times. I don’t want it to be patronising. I think the biggest thing about RUOK day is being prepared to listen to some hard and ugly things that you can’t solve because a) they may not be solvable and b) they are not yours to solve. We tend to want instant everything. And that includes instant solutions to everyone’s problems.
Not a happening thing.
Sending hugs and good wishes.
This is very true. We are all looking for that magic pill, that instant cure. Life isn’t instant, it is hard and ugly and messy. It is also beautiful. So you and I, EC, we will just keep swimming.
I have to say that RUOK has played with my mind too. I started thinking that wouldn’t it be ironic if someone took their own life on RUOK day, because despite all the publicity, all of us writing about it, nobody had asked them if they were OK. Because it’s easy to write about it, easy to talk about your experiences of not being OK, but it’s not easy to change behaviour. It’s not easy to ask and it’s not easy to answer truthfully.
I doubt that there is anything I can say to make you feel better, Kim, but I hear you. It’s made a difference to me to be able to write this stuff out and get supportive comments and tweets. Sometimes that might be all that stands between us and the darkness….
The writing helped Dorothy. The words are used to purge the sadness. Once I have written the words out of my head they lose some of their power.
I’m not amazingly ok either but that’s my life right now. Nothing is going to change that except time and making adjustments. Things always change somehow, sometime and the alternative is not to be recommended. Instead of spending vast sums of money on stupid advertising campaigns there should be more spent on the health system, both mental and physical, so that far more people will feel ok, maybe even great!
I hope David comes to his senses soon Kim.
xox
Thanks Sharon, and you are right, we need a massive cash injection into the health and education systems instead of all these wasted millions spent trying to sort out a “pacific solution” I am just waiting for the opposition to get into power and announce they have the “final solution” then we are all fucked.
love to you Sharon xx
I wish there was a lot more I can do except listen, give you my shoulder to cry on and a long distance hug. You do have a lot on your plate, and your mother’s death has made a big scar. I’m sorry to hear about David, I’m sure he’s going through a difficult phase in his life as well. I hope tomorrow is another day, Kim. I hope you feel just a little bit better now that you got it all out of your chest. I love you, and I think it’s great that I have met you through this blog. Never change !
By the way, what is RUOK?
I have sent you an email my friend. btw my lace is up in the studio. Looking at it makes me smile 🙂
keep swimming, just keep swimming.
keep writing, just keep writing.
thinking of you. It is bloody hard, I know it is. xx gemma
hehe 🙂
Just keep swimming is my motto too. Love ya, Kim xx
Thank Tina mwah.
Amen!
Sometimes, nothing can make it OK. Life just sucks beyond the telling of it. … but for me, the telling of it can sometimes make it bearable. But it can never make it OK.
Yes. The writing and the telling helps to take the edge off but the daily grind is still the same. Love to you and thank you Amanda for listening. xx
Hugs. Sometimes the only way to be ok is to be not ok. BG Xx
True, Missy, and if I want a smile I just have to think of your blurry tweets the other night.
I’m sorry, Kim. That’s a lot of bad worries to carry. Sending love and light beaming across the oceans to you and yours.
Thankyou Janet. everytime I use my dragonfly notebook I smile and think of all the friendships I have made through this blog. 🙂 Life is mostly good, just sometimes it isn’t and that is okay.
I want you to be okay so very much, I wish there was more I could do than just sending virtual hugs.
I hope David’s rebellion is short-lived. He has the same good values as you and Veronica, so I can’t see him staying away from the family too long.
{{{hugs}}}
He is a good lad. He is just trying to find his own way. I just hope it isn’t too painful for us all.
You’re right. It’s not ok. I am sorry for your heart ache. I am totally stealing a line from you though. Maybe I can tell people, “Don’t give me the shits.” Perfect.
“Don’t give me the shits” is a good Australian statement. It means exactly what it says lol. Steal away.
Oh Kim, you have every reason to find life not okay. Big shit! I’m sorry for you and yours. Sending lots of positive energy your way. Hope it helps 🙂
aah thank you Carolina, and thankyou that in the middle of all your worries you take time out to make me feel better.
It happens to all of us. And it seems like it will never end when it comes. I always remember that tomorrow will be another day, and since tomorrow is (now) today, getting through a night should have helped clear things out.
I really hope today goes well for you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts 🙂
I am much better today, thanks Kelly. 🙂
fuck. the police car on the road. what an evocative, raw and terrifying image. wish i could hug you.
You just did, thanks Rose 🙂
Big hugs.
One foot in front of the other and somehow we make it through.
Yes Marita, that seems to be the plan these days 🙂
Oh Kim….that is the thing about drawing attention to some things like R U OK day … There is often an opposite reaction or effect. Firstly I think it was a raw post you wrote, but by writing it you’ve said it helped. That is good. Secondly, the family’s medical issues and more must be so much harder to comprehend when it seems “totally unfair”
Thirdly, you are parenting at the same tine you are grandparenting…. & by gee I know from personal experience how hard that is. Our son – lost to us for the ten terrible years from 14-24 … Now at 32 married 2 kids & is a psychologist. But he too dropped out of school at 17 and got himself into some serious trouble with the law
I just want to say mostly, it can get better .,,,but right now with V & the 2 little ones as well as David leaving home… It’s all too much and no, like your daughter, you are so not OK at all! Hugs Denyse
Thank you Denyse. Thank you
The GOFA and I agree that the best art comes from strong emotion, so I would tell those know-it-alls who reckon you should separate your blog to POQ. As you say, your art work and your emotions are intimately tied and the artwork includes this blog.
Hugs from across the water. X
The blog allows me to sort out my thoughts Anne, It also is my cure for loneliness. I need you to be here for me so that I can go off to the studio and make things.
I have been away and only just back.
I get all this a lot is similar to the crap in my life, a lot different because its your life. Kim in reality I can’t change anything for you but I can send healing thoughts and lots of love my friend. I won’t write crap because crap irritates when one feels like this. So just know I am listening always.
xoxoxoxox
We are on the same page you and I, ttys. xx
Just wish there was something I could say to you and your beautiful daughter but nothing can change these things. The only thing I can say and will keep saying is how wonderful I think you both are and how thankful I am to count you as friends xx
Thankyou Louisa your statement of friendship means a lot to me.
((hugs))
It’s your blog, you should say whatever you like on it! If, one day, you decide to have a ceramic-only blog in addition or instead of this one, that is a decision you’ll come to because you’ll be different to who & where you are now.
My boys have both unfriended me on FB and it wasn’t in response to anything I’d done (or not done).
No, not ok, but in my quieter moments I am glad I didn’t scream back at people who asked me that. I know now that mostly that is their tentative way of saying “I’d like to help but I don’t know how, or if you want me to; but I think something’s not right.” Especially if they haven’t been through any of the really big stuff in life. And sometimes I said “Yes, I’m OK” because I was afraid that if I let the shell crack open, it would all shiver to pieces–or sometimes I said I was OK because I didn’t want to see their response if I said no.
My own rule is to always help–always. Too many people say, “Oh, I feel so bad about…” and do nothing. I try to always do something.
Thankyou for the hugs, and yes I hear you xx
I find it annoying when people tell me what to do with my blog. Generally it’s people who have no clue about blogs, but like to boss folks about in general. They also tend to try to “fix” me when I’m unhappy, as if it’s in their power. I think people are just uncomfortable with another person’s pain. They much prefer me to fake it.
Thing is, I don’t fake it. Gives me a stomach ache.
In Spanish we have a saying for friends going through tough times – Lo siento. I feel this with you. Maybe I’ve been there, maybe I haven’t, maybe I imagine, maybe I can’t. But at the core of me, where lines of connection thread between us, I feel this with you.
The weird anonymity/non anonymity of blogs allows us to feel for one another from great distances. You’re in my thoughts.
Lo siento.
Thank you Winter, I wandered away form the computer yesterday after I read your comment, saying Lo siento under my breath. It is a good saying.
So much to say to this but I’ll focus on one little passage:
To the person that told you to have a blog about your ceramics art without the “personal rubbish” to be taken seriously, that person doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Art, for any purpose or value of the term, is not the product of the happy and unchallenged mind. Art is the culmination of what pushes us down confronting those things that lift us up. I am FAR more interested in art produced by people that have actually lived IN the world, not just sat back and heard about it second hand.
Keep writing about what drives you, the good and the bad. It makes all of your art -ceramic, written, photographic, etc.- far more appealing. If I want mass-produced chotchkies made in China I’ll shop on a sterile shop page. If I want art that means enough to me to justify buying it, I’ll find a blog by a woman who lives in the world and turns everything about it into her art. Even the bad stuff that you think no want wants to know about. It is a part of your art, and though it YOU are art and we are here to appreciate it.
…and THROUGH it YOU are art…
I really need my own personal copy editor most days.
Thankyou for this. I have been thinking about your statement that, “I am the Art” and you have touched on a truth there. I need to do some deeper thinking and this thought will need a blog post for itself. A post where I can develop my ideas. This is what I do, I think in public, I write the words down and look at them on the page and as the sentences form, so the ideas coalesce. Then I wander off into the studio with a semi clear head and make.
I was at a conference recently and one of the speakers started his talk with the statement, “I do not have a university degree in art” He was quite defensive about this. I have been thinking about this a lot recently, I also do not have an arts degree. I could relate strongly to where he was coming from but I also came away from the talk quite determined not to be defensive about making art without a degree behind me. I do not need a couple of letters after my name that say, “This woman has studied for years and is now qualified to begin making art”
I think these are the thoughts that have been triggered by your comment. Thankyou
Sorry to hear of your troubles. My mom used to say kids lose their soul at 14 and get it back at 21. It’s helped me deal with my own. Keep the faith! {{hugs}} from NYC.
Initally I thought RUOK day was a wank! Then on ABC’s Australian Story I saw the story of Gav Larkin the guy who came up with the idea, my opinion changed. After a hideous short battle, sadly, Gav died this week … now I think Gav’s legacy will bring strength to his beautiful family including his son … hey please go check out the very sad story for yourselves here … http://www.abc.net.au/austory/
For me the trials and tribulations of life remind me it’s not a dress rehearsal it’s the real thing and we can only do our best, that’s all … you’re an inspiration Kim. xo.