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This time last week.

This time last week I was waiting for the teenagers to arrive and fill my house with noise and music, laughter and muddy footprints.

I survived the sleep-over, though none of the teens actually slept. They stayed up all night watching DVDs and shooting aliens.

I fed the teenagers into submission. They groaned and rolled their eyeballs, they pleaded with me to stop but I didn’t listen. I just kept on taking food into the ‘party zone’. My weapons of mass distension were simple but effective. Pizza and hot chips, combined with timtams, twisties and lollies. Washed down with a gazillion cans of coke and lemonade. I had icecream and marshmallows in reserve if I needed reinforcements but it seems that the final packet of tim tams was enough. Throw an XBox and an eightball table into the mix and a good time was had by all.

Last week I was running on nervous energy. There were a zillion things to be done and very little time to do them in. My phone ran hot, my inbox was full and I was in a state of perpetual motion.

Yesterday was the first time that I didn’t have to drive anywhere or do anything.

So I stayed home and cried.

I cried for my brother who has taken all Mum’s photos. I hope they ease his pain.

I cried for my children who have lost their Grandmother.

I cried for Amy who knows something is wrong but she doesn’t know what.

I cried for myself.

I am going to build a garden for Mum. Thinking about Mum’s garden makes me smile. Mum wanted her ashes buried up here and we talked about her garden a lot.Planning Mum’s garden together gave us something practical to think about so that both of us didn’t drown in our sorrow.

I will listen for your voice on the breeze. I will look for your face in the stars. I will see you dancing with the clouds and I will hold you in my heart.

I love you Mum.

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I drink alone…

When I drank, I drank a lot. I always maintained that I was a beeraholic not an alcoholic because there was wine in the cupboard and half a bottle of vodka on the shelf and surely if I was an alcoholic I would drink those as well.Wouldn’t I?

I wouldn’t have a beer until I was sure that I didn’t have to drive any where. I never drank and drive. Not because of any respect for the law but because I was crap at drink driving. The one time I drove drunk, I crashed the car. You really need lots of practice to be a good drunk driver and I am not that dedicated.

My blog personality is how I am in real life. I am funny and sweet, I am generous to a fault and I really am quite a nice person. I am well read and I can discuss anything from the breeding habits of snails to the reasons behind the sub-prime mortgage fiasco.I am impatient and demanding. My way is the best way(naturally.) I am opinionated and very loud. I am a control freak who doesn’t know how to delegate. I say outrageous things just for fun. Politically I am so far to the left that it is a wonder I dont walk with a tilt. I dont suffer fools and I will tell you, if you give me the shits.

I used to gather up strangers(mostly tourists) and bring them home for a meal but Jeffrey made me stop doing that. I pick up interesting looking hitch-hikers and sometimes I drive further than I intended because I am enjoying the conversation.Children and animals love me and I am a natural born storyteller.I could sell ice to eskimoes.I like to talk and sometimes I forget to listen. I am an Aquarian fire horse and when I am angry I stamp my foot and my nostrils flare, I fire up and explode. Then I am done and my anger is forgotten and I expect every one else to forgive and forget as quickly as I do.

Alcohol magnified all those traits by 100 and you either loved me or hated me. There was no middle ground. As a result I have some very very good friends and lots of aquaintances that think I am an arsehole.

I stopped drinking in April 2008. Anzac day is always a very emotional day for me and I would generally get rotten. I had been drinking beer all day and had topped up with nips of neat whiskey. That night I was a belligerent drunk and I had a nasty fight with my son. David walked down to his Nan’s at 1 am with me screaming at him to get back home and dont you walk away from me etc etc.

I woke up the next morning knowing something BAD had happened and then I started to remember bits and pieces of what had happened. Oh Shit.

I put off ringing Mum for as long as I could because I knew she would be furious with me. When I finally was brave enough to pick up the phone she didn’t disappoint one little bit. Furious wasn’t the word. Mums anger was icy and terrible.

David came home later on that day and I apologised to him and we held each other close.

I didn’t make a conscious decision that day not to drink again, it just sort of happened. One day turned into two, turned into a week turned into a month. When people would ask me why I had stopped drinking, I would make some flippant reply because I was ashamed of the real reason I stopped. I had done something that I swore I would never do, I had become my father.I had hurt my son. Luckily the damage wasn’t irrepairable but his wounds were deep.

I avoided my Mother because I was ashamed.  I reluctantly visited her on Mothers day and we didn’t speak about Anzac day but it was there, the elephant in the room.

Six weeks later Mum was diagnosed with cancer and there is nothing like a life threatening illness to make you sort out your priorities. The elephant vanished with a pop and we embarked upon the next stage of our relationship.

I dont know how many times I said to Veronica. “I am so pleased that I am not drinking” and her reply was always, “We are so pleased you are not drinking as well.”

to be continued…

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I keep on forgetting what day it is.

I know that today is Tuesday. The funeral is today. It is also David’s birthday today. But since Mum died last week, my brain has seriously gone on holiday and I find myself regularly asking, “What day is it today?”

Organising a funeral is horrible. Mum and I had talked about her funeral, we had even gone to a funeral home together where I listened, as Mum talked about the music she wanted, the flowers that she liked and all the millions of small details.

We met with the celebrant(?) yesterday and I was under the impression that he would ask us questions about Mum and then he would write the Eulogy from the notes we had given him. Apparently not *sigh*

Luckily Mum’s favourite little Japanese tea rooms were close by. So my brother and his son Hayden along with Vonnie and myself brainstormed over lunch. My brother was left with the task of typing it up into a coherent Eulogy, which he would email to me, Vonnie and I would add any bits we thought of, email it back to Mick and he would email it to the celebrant.

AAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This is really, really hard.

Today is also David’s 15th birthday. We are burying his Grandmother on his birthday. Oh shit. What the fuck was I thinking? Dont answer that ok.

I have tried really hard to make this last week as normal for Dave as possible but of course there is nothing really that I can do to distract him from his heart-ache, except hold him and try not to yell at him when he slams my doors.

I will just have to trust that everything will be all right for my son eventually.

Think of us today at three o’clock.

Mum.

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I am anticipating total mayhem

It has been raining steadily here for days now and everything is very soggy. The paths have turned to a muddy black mush.The water tanks are overflowing and in the middle of the night, Jeff’s shed and Dave’s bedroom  floor suffered minor flood damage. Not enough to cause any real damage, just enough to be a soggy,soggy nuisance.

I am expecting a horde of ravenous teenagers up here tomorrow to celebrate Dave’s birthday,(which is on Tuesday, the day of Mum’s funeral *sigh*) I am deliberately not thinking about the mud that will be tracked through the house via the shed (eeek).

Dave’s original plan was to have his friends, who are all city kids come up here and camp in the bush. Tents, campfires, junkfood and a  large bonfire and ‘voila’ with the minimum of fuss, a good time is had by all .

Except that it is the middle of winter and it wont stop raining.

So now the modified plan is for the kids to all cram into Dave’s room as well as take over Jeff’s shed. Jeff is understandably less than thrilled at the prospect of his space being filled with strange teenagers.  All I can do at the moment is try not to think about it too much.

I have bought essential supplies as per the list David gave me. Coke, pizza, chippies and ice-cream, seem to have all the essential food groups covered.

Think of me tomorrow. I will be the one rocking in the corner.

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The Windows are dark.

I can see glimpses of my Mother’s house through the trees, from up here. We shared a property in the country. Mum lived a bit further down the valley on 14 acres and I am up here on the hill on my 4 acre lot.

Vonnie would often ring me wondering if it was too late to ring Mum and all I had to do was look out my window to see if Mum was still awake or not.

I didn’t realise how often I looked out of my window to check if Mum’s lights were on, until this last week when Mum was in hospital and all her windows were dark. I would look at her dark house momentarily puzzled as to why she would be in bed so early and then I would remember where Mum was.

Driving home from the hospital last night I looked at the clock and it was only 5.00 pm. I was shocked at how early it was. Time had been stretching out so slowly that it felt like hours and hours since Mum had died.

I am sitting here quietly crying, listening to the rain. It is a gentle rain and mine are gentle tears. My brain is working slowly and I keep on forgetting what I am supposed to be doing.

Veronica and I are meeting with the funeral directors today and we will finish this journey together, my Daughter and I. We were a threesome, Mum, Vonnie and I. We went to every appointment together. We shared the glorious highs when the tumour had shrunk and we started to believe that we might possibly be in the 5 percent who beat lung cancer. We also shared the devastating lows when the cancer reacted unpredictably and showed us just how aggressive it could be.

At our lowest moment when the cancer had really started to let us know just who was boss here, We began to suspect that there were zombies lurking in the hospital. Mum really got into the spirit of the photographic zombie hunt and we giggled away like schoolgirls.

Mum and I had discussed her funeral and she wants it to be a celebration of her life. So any family and friends out there who have a story about Mum that they would like to share at her funeral, please, please email it to me and I will have the  celebrant read it out at the service. Don’t be shy ok. Mum’s friend Lauren has already sent me a great story and I will publish it here later on. Also does anyone want Mum’s cat?

A huge thankyou to all you lovely internets out there who have commented and been with me for this past year. Sometimes reading your comments has been the only thing stopping me from collapsing in a screaming heap. So in a well established bloggy tradition here is an award for you.

The zombie chicken award tadaaa!!!

zombie chicken award

You can thank Hyphen-Mama for this little gem, cheers Kim

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Twelve months to the day.

I was called in to the hospital at 4 o’clock this morning. Dr D doesn’t think that Mum will make it through the day. I have rung my Brother, my Daughter, my Husband and my Nan.

I am sitting here holding Mum’s hand listening to Mum breathe and watching her sleep.

It is going to be a long day.

Some prayers would be nice.

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Photodriving is probably a crime. oooops.

By the time I left the hospital on the night that I had to have Mum admitted, it was dark and raining. The wet night perfectly suited my dark mood.

I took photographs all the way home.

rainlights

untitled

night vision

bridgelights

rainlights

untitled 2

I made it home without incident and the next morning I took these.

sunrise through the Eucalypts

tomorrow is another day

There are more lovely photographs at Lotus aka sarcastic Mom’s

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A gift of time…

When I started to recover from the shock and despair assosciated with Mum’s diagnosis of Lung cancer, the positive side of my nature kicked in and I treat every day with Mum as a gift of time.

Mum and I have always had a close relationship even when I was engaging in ‘destructive behaviours’ Mum was always there as an unwavering constant in my life.

It  may seem like a tired cliche but Family is really all that matters.

Now for the update.

We had gathered in Mum’s room and were waiting for the Doctor to arrive. Isaac woke up from his nap and started to scream. And scream and scream and scream and scream. So when he wouldn’t settle at all, Veronica left the room and so did half my brain *sigh*

I had been relying on my daughter to be there for this meeting as Veronica remembers every word the doctors say and she asks proper questions.

So there I was, half of me listening to my grandson screaming and the other half trying to concentrate on Doctor D.

Mum has Radiation Pneumotitis again. This is a side effect from the radiation and it affects her lungs. Mum was sick with RP at Christmas and it was fixed with steroids. This time Mum is already on steroids so there is no fix at all. She is now permanently attached to that oxygen tube. Mum can go for half an hour or thereabouts without the oxygen as long as she is sitting still. As soon as she needs to walk she needs the oxygen.

The Xray showed that the pain in Mum’s shoulder is just Arthritis (yay). But it also showed a cancer in the bone above her right elbow. This is where I am hopeless because as Doctor D was showing us the Xray of Mum’s arm I found myself looking at the line of Mum’s ribcage and thinking that that particular Xray would make a nice template for a series of jugs.I found myself thinking that I must remember to ask if I could have the Xray and then I snapped back to reality. Shit!Shit!Shit! I really annoy myself when I do that.

Doctor D wants to give Mum’s right arm a quick Zap. He also wants an orthapaedic specialist to have a look at Mum’s arm. We have a catch 22 situation here. Do nothing and Mum’s arm could snap, just like that. Zap the cancer and we could find that the cancer is the only thing holding Mum’s bone in place and Mum’s arm could snap.

The orthapaedic specialist could decide to put a pin in Mums arm to strengthen it. Apparently it is a staight forward procedure, a keyhole surgery type of thing. Hmmm we will have to see about that and ask lots of questions.  Mum doesn’t want any surgery or any invasive procedures and honestly, I don’t think that she has the reserves of energy required to heal herself as well as fight the cancer.

I don’t know how my brother, Mick is feeling because he is being very stoic and he doesn’t ask questions when the Doctor is in the room. I think that Mick and Fee are a bit shocked by Mum and my open conversations about death. But as I have said before when you have been living with a terminal illness for twelve months your perspectives do change and conversations about death become quite ordinary.

Doctor D gazed into his crystal ball and told Mum that she has weeks possibly months left. I will need to organize some portable oxygen and a wheelchair so that Mum and I can get out for day trips. Or so her friends can kidnap her as well. St John’s isn’t exactly Alcatraz, so organizing a break-out shouldn’t be too hard.

Mum is also contactable via her email or her mobile phone. So dont be afraid to ring her.

I think that is all for now. Please ask me any questions you like because I am flying blind here and I don’t know what you want to know.

Now back to the screaming Grandson, Isaac is normally a sunny, placid baby so we just assumed that he was reacting to the stress in the air. Strange room, Strange people, blahdeblahblah.

Vonnie thought that Isaac might have an ear infection so they left Amy with me and took Isaac to the after hours doctor,who took one look at his hydrocele (enlarged testicle) and immediately sent them to hospital for an ultrasound to check for a strangulating hernia. Veronica and Isaac were admitted to hospital last night as a precaution and that is as much as I know so far.

I do know that Veronica had previously taken Isaac to our GP who had told her that Isaac was too young to have anything done about his hydrocele and to not worry about it until he was a bit older.*sigh*

So that is what’s happening here. What’s happening with you?

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Eeeek! Mum has wireless broadband access.

My brother went into town and bought Mum a Wireless broadband thingy. So now Mum is back online I had better be careful with what I say hehehe.

As Mum said in her comment I can run but I can’t hide.

Mum Says:
June 18th, 2009 at 9:14 pm e

You can run, but you cant hide,I now have wireless broadband, so I can find you any time.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and best thoughts I really do appreciate them all

Lot’s of Mum’s friends have my blog address now as well as all her work mates at Brighton Council so,” Hello” to you all. Please feel free to leave a comment with any questions that you have or with any messages that you would like passed on to Mum.

Thankyou also to all my blog-friends the cyber-love has been much appreciated but I have had enough (((hugs))) now.I am feeling a tad squished. I know how hard it is to leave a comment when a blog-friend is having a hard time because the comment form is just too small and the words never seem to really be the right ones.There have been plenty of times when I have just lurked because I didn’t have any words. So if you don’t know what to say I understand.

Tonight is the night. We will meet with Mum’s Doctors and decide what is best for Mum. I am not hopeful that Mum will be able to come home for good. But Mum is one thousand times better than she was on Saturday and we all know how feisty she is.

Mum


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An update for Lauren.

Mum’s friend Lauren reads my blog and I have now given my blog address to various friends and family as a way for me to get information out there without having to write a gazillion emails or spend all evening on the telephone.

Mum was much better yesterday (Tuesday) She still needed help to get in and out of bed. But she was much more ‘there’ within herself. The confusion has faded and even though Mum is still vague and loses her train of thought half way through a sentence, she will pull a face to indicate her frustration. And more importantly Lauren she was starting to ‘growl at me’ for teasing her. So she is getting her feistiness back YAY..

It was her last radiation treatment yesterday as well. They also X-Rayed Mum’s chest but I don’t know the results of that yet.They have taken bloods and there isn’t any sign of an infection. They have adjusted her pain meds so that she isn’t so trippy and Mum is learning to push the call button and ask for help and/or extra pain relief.

A specialist nurse came in to talk honestly to Veronica and David about what to expect as Mum gets closer to dying  and I am relieved to see that my children are handling this very well. I cant even begin to describe how very proud I am of both of them.

David wouldn’t let me leave Mum yesterday until he had helped her eat her evening meal and once David was satisfied that Mum was comfortable he reluctantly left the hospital. God help anyone that upsets Mum whilst David is there.

After all the anger,frustration and grief of the first two days in hospital I have come to a calm acceptance of what will be, will be. I spoke to a lovely nurse or rather I sobbed and listened as she spoke and I was able to accept that now we have come to a different stage of Mum’s care. I am still really, really sad but I am not distraught anymore and now I don’t have the distraction of my own grief clouding my judgement.

My brother is flying down today with  his wife and toddler.

Friday will be the day. I am trying to organise a meeting with Mum’s doctor on Friday and then we will discuss our options.Which as far as I can tell at the moment Lauren, are limited to keeping Mum in hospital, as Mum now needs the oxygen to talk.

My grandmother has been in to see Mum every day and watching my Nan it is easy to see where the women in our family get our strength.

I will update for you again Lauren after the meeting with the doctors on Friday. Here is a link to Veronica’s blog as well. Because Veronica will remember all the stuff that I forget.

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